Mama's don't let your babies grow to be Survivors (or Cowboys)

My sister sent me an email telling me Jimmy Johnson was going to be on Survivor this fall. We will get to that soon enough.
Orginally this weeks off season Survivor Rant column was going to be about cliches that people often use to make a point. I wanted to use this forum to tweak the comments such as the old opera term, "It ain't over til' the fat lady sings" -And modify it to- "It ain't over til' the beer runs out or the cops make you put your pants back on and ask you to please leave the park." Another of my favorites, "It's always darkest just before the dawn" -which of course I would change to "It's always darkest just before you step off the curb and the bus hits you."
Quick Change here................
I do need to digress here for a second before I forget. I just took a post card mailer to the post office today for one of our clients and had to buy some Canadian stamps for three of the pieces that were going to Canada. Where would you think they were going? The clerk took the mailer and looking at the addresses which were properly labeled for Montreal, she asked me to write the word, "Canada," after the address. Being the good customer I am, I fulfilled her wishes and then asked her another question. "I have a seperate post card here addressed to Austin, Texas, should I write, North of Mexico beside the address?" "How about west of Florida?"
Let's think about what just happened here. The same person who just sold me three Canadian stamps actually had me write the word Canada after the address. As God as my witness when I send out my mom's birthday card next month, right after the address I am going to write the words, "My mom's house." I am guessing the post office should know exactly where to send it.
Anyhow back to the main topic, Survivor. Rumor has it that former NFL coach and current broadcaster Jimmy Johnson is on the next Survivor. To coin another over used cliche, "Say it ain't so Joe." I respect that he took the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl Title but now he is pitch man for financial planning and hocking a male enhancement pill. Let's be clear about a few things, I hate the Cowboys, I don't need enhancement pills nor financial advice and most importantly, I don't need to watch a celebrity on the best reality show in the history of television. How about we just start hand picking former stars who are looking for handouts anywhere. Please, please, please someone run over me with a bus. I have rallied against ever putting famous people on Survivor and this one "Takes the cake." (Nice spot for a cliche huh?) What next, the Sham-Wow Guy wearing one of his towels as buff at tribal council? How about Jared from Subway building sandwiches from coconuts, fish and seaweed? No even better, Al Gore showing us how to Go Green and build a really cool shelter that doesn't hurt the environment. Why stop there, get Punky Brewster, that kid who played Malcolm in the Middle and I-Carly and call it Survivor, "Where are they now." To the producers of Survivor, stop it and stop it now. You got what you wanted and have people talking about it but this game is for the average Joe and please keep it that way. I vow to run with scissors, walk under a ladder, shove a sharp stick in my eye and cross the path of a black cat before I watch even one minute of any type of type of future celebrity death match Survivor. Although, if the winner was the only person permitted to return to the United States................Might be a great way to thin the herd. Yeah, that's the ticket. Yes I will say it outloud, I hope Jimmy Johnson gets voted out first and we never see another celebrity on Survivor.

Next week we will discuss how to properly approach a former celebrity at a WalMart.

Andy