Put me in coach................

First a quick response to a letter from a new reader.
To: Hayseed Boy
From: Varuka (Last Name withheld by request)
Marysville, Idaho

Dear Hayseed,
Your blog sure contains a lot of hanging participles. What are you going to do about it?

Dear Varuka,
First and foremost, loved you in Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Secondly, the envelope you sent the letter in contained a scent of fried eggs, bacon grease and maple syrup. I am going to guess night shift manager at a waffle house?
Third, I am really surprised to receive a letter from Idaho in September as I thought the entire state shut down for the potato harvest. Finally you didn't include your last name, I guess your subscription to Penthouse ran out. And oh yeah, my most loyal fans like it when I hang my participles around the blog.
Sincerely, Hayseed Boy.

Now back to regular programming. Put me in Coach.
The LaFlor tribe makes it way back from Tribal Council and everybody is all buddy-buddy with the exception of Nanooky who says "People are being faker than fur?" Can someone really be faker than fur? Over at the elders tribe we hear Marty say, "Where the monkeys are there is fruit." The opposite isn't true though as I have been in the fruit section of Kroger's many times and have yet to see a monkey. Marty is also still pissed that the celebrity is still in the game. Dude, we know. Then we see Jill talk Marty into showing the hidden immunity idol to everyone. Not one time in the history of Survivor has showing the idol to the group been a good thing, ever. In fact the hidden immunity idol almost becomes a bad omen when the person who finds it tells someone else. It only sets you up for a blind side. Back at the youngers camp we see Jud blowing on the fire while wearing goggles. Someone should have taped this, oh yeah they did. Then we see Jud in a private moment start to talk to the camera and then he looks down at his leg, "Oh man, a hermit crab just walked across my leg." Blonde moment. He might as well have said, "SQUIRREL." Nanooky calls him an air head and says "If you knock on his head it would sound hollow." We know. Back over at elders camp Marty shows everyone the idol and they applaud as he says the team could use it after the merge if needed. The target just grew on his back while Jill sits back and takes it in. We see Dan the man struggling as does everyone else in camp. Nanooky says she wants to vote out Alina to send a shock wave to Kelly B.
Bean Bags and Barrels Challenge
The teams have to move barrels into place and then land sandbags on top of the lids. Tyrone puts the elders out front but can't seem to get past the sixth barrel. Jimmy T is begging for Jimmy J to "Put me in Coach, you're wasting my talents." No he's not as your biggest talent is whining, you're doing fine with that. The youngsters win reward which includes a basket of fruit with a clue down below. Both Kelly B and Nanooky spot the clue and then wrestle for it back at camp. Nanooky wins the clue and walks away and says, "Go ahead and be the fool. I will push you so hard I hope your leg falls off." My question would be, which leg? Nanooky also says something about "Being Ghettoed," which someone will have to explain to me. Two things happen here that are quite funny. First, the dumbest player left has the clue in her hand and has absolutely no clue on how to figure out the clue. Her having the clue is like letting Stevie Wonder drive your car, he'll do great in the straightaways but its those damn turns that confuse him. We then see Nanooky hiding the clue in her pants. WTF, you don't think people back at camp who watched you wrestle Kelly B for the clue and talked about it, know you have it? And she calls Jud an air head. Tyrone makes the best comment of the night after having a disagreement with Jimmy T about throwing the beanbags. "Do we want to win or do we want everyone to touch the ball?" Great point dude. Marty looks at the camera and states "People who disagree with me aren't really playing the game." Yeah Marty they are, they are just using a different strategy. You'll realize this in a few weeks when you pick a fight with the wrong person, I am guessing maybe Tyrone. At tribal council Jimmy T says he wants more court time and Marty says he wants to accelerate the game. Jimmy J goes home and I must say in hind sight, I miss the guy already.
Next week we see Nanooky threatening to throw Kelly's leg in the fire and again I ask the question, "Which leg?"

Your alligator shoes are so gay.

$ 1,600.00 for a pair of alligator skin shoes, are you frickin' high or what? I did that math and that's $ 800.00 per foot. You know there is a reason why the military issues camaflouge wear instead of those bright orange vests that hunters wear, it's so our soldiers don't stick out to the enemy you dumbass. The only explanation I have of Dan bringing those shoes was so he could tell someone the cost. One point for ego there. Although you know what would be pretty neat if a real alligator found them and ate them, to quote the Alanis Morrisette song, "Isn't it ironic." I will give one reason why Holly threw the shoes in the water in the first place and then fessing up to it in front of everybody, is because she is a former beauty queen, nuff said. Oh yeah that and she didn't like people eating snails. No, no, no, don't spend another second trying to figure that one out either, just keep thinking to yourself, she's a beauty queen. Finally Tyrone says he is going to keep one eye on Holly and the other on his shoes. (That was funny I don't care who you are) Dan has no foregiveness for anybody who steals a pair of shoes. I will close this subject by saying, I don't know if I have spent $ 1,600.00 on shoes in my entire life.

Coaches Corner with Jimmy Johnson
At the elders camp we see Jimmy Johnson stepping up again and getting people active in getting the hut built while others go fishing. Jimmy T starts bitching again about Jimmy J stepping up. Hey Jimmy T. cool your jets. Your day is coming when you can regale everybody about your last second touchdown against Greaseback High at your high school's 1957 homecoming game. When people hear that story then Jimmy Johnson's two Super Bowl wins will pale in comparison I'm sure. I have to remember to send Jimmy T a crying towel next week. Over at the junior high camp we see Nanoka complaining that no one is talking to her. I am guessing it is her attitude, just sayin'. She then calls Kelly B. a charity case with her artificial leg, nice real nice. Oh yes folks that only ranks second place for comments this week. Nanoka then says she doesn't want anybody thinking she is a BITCH. Sorry lady there ain't no thinking about that one, that ship sailed last week and it ain't comin' back you are a Bitch.

The Challenge
I need help inserting a funny line below. Please send in your best response about the balls.
The teams had to find balls in a stack of hay and then paddle board the balls to a barrel. The elders use (everybody bow here)THE MEDALLION OF POWER which means the elders only have to handle three balls instead of four. (Insert comedy line there, wait for the studio audience laugh...and move on) Speaking of balls I attended a college with a guy who had the nickname "Andy one ball." Why did they call him that, take a guess. He had cancer and after the surgery his friends gave him this name. True Story. Just think if he and Kelly B. the one legged lady got together, great story don't you think. Anyhow I digress. The elders win immunity, some fishing line and a clue to the hidden immunity idol. The clues go so fast and we see Marty and Jill finding the idol. I am not sure at all what Dan was doing as he was digging the sand like a cat burying his turds. Then it dawned on me, Dan was thinking about his shoes.

Pre-Tribal Council
Nanoka doesn't like Kelly. Alina thinks the group needs to split up Brenda and Chase. Shannon keeps flip flopping on Nanoka or Brenda. Brenda thinks everybody is coming up to her to invite her to be in their group. Chase tells Brenda the others are coming after her. Alina and Kelly B are working on Brenda. And Lucy swears on the life of her children that she won't pull the football away from Charlie Brown this time as he kicks it. What a bitch that Lucy is.

Tribal Council
Best 1st tribal council for a tribe ever. Shannon goes after Chase like flies on crap. He thought Chase gave his word. For the life of me I can't believe people would actually lie on this show. Brenda speaks up that no one trusts Shannon. Shannon then has the line of the week and probably one of the dumbest in the history of Survivor when he asks Sasha "Are you Gay?" What are you six? What are you trying to accomplish by asking that question? Jud tries to get Shannon to back down to no avail. A little side note. Jud reminds me of Potsie Webber of Happy Days and a cross with Joey Tribiani of Friends. He was trying to throw his buddy Shannon a life perserver in the water and Shannon kept saying, "Throw me the anchor." I was on the fence of whether Brenda or Shannon should go but when Einstein fires his question to Sasha, my vote would have went directly to him. Dude couldn't stay out of his own way here. Shannon came into tribal council with a 50-50 split on the vote and a rather strong alliance that I could see. He put Chase on the ropes early with comments about flipping and should have stopped right there. One three word sentence sealed his fate. Let there be no doubt, this guy beat himself tonight and it centered around his ego.

Next week on Survivor
Jimmy Johnson starts talking to the monkeys. He's asking them if they're gay.

Medallions, goats and fake legs.

Let's jump right in. Jud is a blonde. Dude talked about the monkeys and then managed to get a piece of wood wedged in his foot and then cut himself with the machete all within about one minute of landing on the island. We have all seen this guy before. There is that guy who walks down the sidewalk wearing the t-shirt that says, "I'm with Stupid," with an arrow pointing to his left. Yeah, Jud is the guy walking to his left. Then we have Jimmy Johnson who starts telling us about his Super Bowl wins, that is exactly why I don't want him on the show. Eve says she can tell a lot about people by watching. Yes, yes she can tell who has hair, who is black and who is missing a leg.
THE MEDALLION OF POWER
Brenda climbs a tree to claim THE MEDALLION OF POWER for her tribe. One question here, I saw two people climbing the tree behind her. I am guessing their feeling was if Brenda falls to her death, they claim the prize, just sayin'. Suffice to say the producers did a great job here. I really like the rules involved in this tool. You get a huge advantage in a challenge, that is if you take the advantage. Right away the younger tribe chooses fire and fish over THE MEDALLION OF POWER, which I thought was the best choice. THE MEDALLION OF POWER was then passed to th elders.
We get to see Shannon from the younger tribe tell us how their tribe shouldn't lose to the elders for any reason. Any reason, even if they bring in another NFL Coach, Jesus, Mary and the frickin' donkey, any reason. Holly and Wendy are seen talking and Wendy tells Holly, "My husband tells me I talk a lot." Her husband was probably doing frickin' cart wheels when she got picked for Survivor so he could have some quality time with the goats for a few weeks. Jane starts a fire with a pair of glasses and some grass and is the hero for a day. Shannon tells Chase that he doesn't want a woman to win, real male bonding there. Kelly decides it is time to show everyone how she can remove her leg. I would have applauded too as I have never seen anybody take their own leg off, unless you count my G-I Joe that I had when I was six. Actually I took his leg off for him after his jeep had a firey crash in the basement up against the water heater. We tried to save his leg but to no avail.
As far as one legged Kelly, you won't get any sympathy from me, if she is good enough she will stay around. It is probably best that I don't tell people about my two glass eyes if I ever make it on the show.
NFL Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy (God I hate this) has a hard night sleeping and tells everyone. Chase is falling for Brenda who then calls him clueless when he walks away. I'll bet she is a lot of fun on a date. Kelly and Alina find a clue for the hidden immunity idol while looking for treemail. Actually Alina was there by herself when Kelly walked up. I'm thinking Alina is a little sneak.
The challenge involved water and puzzle pieces. The younger tribe takes the win partially because the elders don't use THE MADALLION OF POWER to their advantage. Jimmy T. (the other Jimmy who wasn't a coach)is mad and at camp makes this comment at camp, "I'm not going to not be heard." I'm not sure what that means. Then coach Jimmy tells everyone that the weakest should go meaning either him or Wendy. Tribal council was boring and Wendy goes home.
Next week we see someone putting sand in some dress shoes and throwing them in the water. Survivor also introduces two new tools to go along with THE MADALLION OF POWER, that being the Cupcake of Knowledge and the Banana of Retrospect.