A Simple (Dumbass) Plan

Dear Andy,
What in thee hell was Jim saying to his tribe when he was screaming out directions during the challenge?
Leroy Pentz / Jackson, Mississippi

Leroy,
I haven't heard the phrase, "What in thee Hell," uttered since my grandpa died about thirty years, thanks for the memories. Jim was saying the same thing that Charlie Browns' teacher says each year on their holiday specials, "Waa, waa, waaaaa, waaaaa, waa, waa, waa." Clear as mud to me.
Andy
P.S. Hey Leroy, tell me you hang out with a guy named Russell who wears overalls, work boots and a t-shirt with an arrow pointing toward you that says, "I'm with Stupid."

Upolu
Edna is nervous because her name keeps coming up everyday when the tribe is talking about voting people out. Rick is concerned with Brandon, well with Brandon being Brandon. Coach attempts to keep a lid on the dis-oriente family, afterall his alliance consists of a lady who helps out during brain surgery and a guy who would probably benefit from brain surgery. Frontal Lobotomy anyone?
Redemption Island
Christine and Mikayla have to build a bridge with puzzle pieces and then dismantle the bridge and put the puzzle together. Oz and Cochran from Savaii and Albert and Sophie from Upolu watch as Christine stays alive the fifth consecutive challenge.
One thing to point out here, observer Albert was yelling directions to Mikayla. Now I like Mikayla but that ain't cool. Another thing, Christine may make her way back into this game, but she won't have any friends upon her return as she continues to be "A Stupid Bitch," according to Cochran.
Savaii
Ozzie hatches a plan that if his tribe loses then he wants his tribe to vote him off to go to Redemption Island to go against Christine in effort to break her winning streak. He thinks it might be the most iconic idea in the history of Survivor. I will re-visit what I think is maybe the most stupid idea in the history of Surivor, later in this rant. I need to digest my breakfast first.
Upolu
Coach hatches a plan for the group to go out and look for the hidden idol which he has already found. Coach then gets the group together to pray (The first prayer meeting of the night) for God's help in doing what you might ask? Praying for God's help in finding the idol that he has already found. It took Sophie all of about one second to find the praying uncomfortable for her because she and Albert know that Coach already has the idol. Throw in the fact that the two other people that Coach continues to preach honesty and intregity to think it is amazing that Coach finds the idol after his prayer. God be praised, ........ well sort of.
Challenge
Coach holds a second power prayer meeting prior to the challenge asking for God's help to keep the strong. They formed a circle, prayed and then broke the huddle with a loud, "Go God." As I have said before, whenever you put blindfolds on people to play a game, you can't help but have fun. One person yelling directions to two sets of blindfolded tribe mates through an obstacle course to bring back puzzle pieces. Don't you just love it when someone walks right into a post or beam, makes me laugh because its not me. Jim was doing a great job of yelling God knows what at his tribe mates on Savaii and they have a big lead until.....well until they put the smartest guy on the island, Cochran, in charge of the guide ropes. This is why you never let people like Bill Gates attempt to change the oil in his own car. The richest guy on the planet works with computers but if you hand him a oil filter wrench he becomes Bart Simpson, "Is this for tightening my nuts?" Upolu comes from behind to win and Oz Man goes nuts because his team lost. Upolu wins and Coach leads the team in a 3rd team prayer and thanks God for all the great movies Adam Sandler has provided through the years, "Go God."
The Simple (Dumbass) Plan
Ozzie convinces his tribe to vote him out. Yes folks because this was such a stupid idea I'm not even going to have a tribal council section this week. Several issues here. First, here is a guy who was blindsided and didn't play an hidden immunity idol in a season past and was eliminated. So this time instead of being blindsided he wants to be put on Redemption and go against a girl he considers a threat, why? Let someone else get dirty. Second, your tribe wants you to stay and get rid of one of the weakest players ever in Cochran which means you go from being in the top twelve to top eleven. Third, you consider Cochran to be a very weak player and you just gave him your idol which means, it ain't your idol anymore. And if I'm Cochran I am keeping it for myself if for nothing else, everyone has told me I suck. Take it to the merge and use it to your advantage. Fourth, you want to keep your tribe strong and if they lose another challege before the merge and you lose your challenge, one of the weakest players will use the idol and another strong player from your alliance will be lost. Fifth, if you lose on Redemption Island you finish 13th, you just lost a position. Sixth, you will go down as having made one of the most thought out worst decisions ever in Survivor History. Stupid is as stupid does. Oz Man, love you but you are playing this game stupid. Finally, you must lay blame on the tribe for letting this happen also because they are assuming the merge is coming. I think they just lost total control of this game.
Quote of the week
I can't take credit for the quote of the week but when Jim said, "If we vote Ozzie out then Dawn becomes our third guy and John Cochran is our fourth guy." Classic.

West by God Virginia

In flipping through the channels Sunday I came across this docu-drug-a-welfare-sleepwithyourcousin-mentary. If you want to visit this families' website simply put the following address into your web browser. The names have not been changed to protect the stupid.

http://wildandwonderfulwhites.com/

My Wonderful White Family Rant
This was the best "Willie Nelson, two front teeth, screw your cousin, no job, drinkin', snortin' cocaine, tap dancin', banjo playin', watchin' eleven years old smokin', pickup truck drivin', put your boobs away this is church, got married in Wal Mart, just got out of jail, dug my mom's own grave, typecast, West Virginia profiling movie I have ever seen, EVER." Even Deliverence star Burt Reynolds would have shed a tear watching this movie.
In a nutshell for one year they followed the family escapades of the The Wonderful Whites. Among the highlights:
-) The now deceased father, D. Rae White, was a tap dancing king who traveled the county fairs state wide plying his trade and yes Virginia, there is video.
-) Mother Berta Mae is seen celebrating her 85th birthday with three of her remaining kids who give her a cake, sing her happy birthday, drink beer, smoke doob and take snorts of cocaine in mom's apartment. Did I mention mom also had four dogs living in the house? She dies at the end and you see the family actually digging her grave by hand at the cemetery. (Sorry to give away the ending so soon)
-) Daughter Sue Bob, is a former stripper and we catch up with her in time to see her son Brandon, age 21, being sentenced to fifty years in jail for shooting the neighbor guy who called his mom a tramp. Are you surprised by this?
-) Daughter Kirk is seen going to the hospital to give birth to her baby girl who is fathered by a guy named Dennis (Not her husband or boyfriend, but a guy named Dennis) We then see the family taking her to rehab because the hospital just found drugs in the newborns system. What are the frickin' odds?
-) Next we see the family picking up grand daughter Mousie on the day she is released from prison. (I am not making this stuff up) As God as my witness, the family, having just picked Mousie up from prison, take her over to pick up her husband Charlie who is at his girlfriend's doublewide. (Re-read that last sentence again about three times) The family then takes Mousie and her husband to visit the Wal-Mart they got married in a few years ago and then take them back to the trailer they own so they can have sex.
The most important thing I learned from this documentary? Families is West Virginia have to own a reliable van because:
-) They need it on wedding days to get to the Wal Mart on time.
-) You need a good van to get to court on time to see your kids getting sentenced. (Kids will always remember you not showing up for their sentencing.)
-) You never want to be late to pick up relatives being released from prison.
-) It makes for a comfortable weekend ride to rehab centers.
-) Finally, it is roomy for those times when you have to pick up relatives who are cheating on their spouses.
What more can I say?

Andy

Wheelbarrows, Shuffleboard and Crybabies

Email of the Week
Dear Andy,
Ozzie says he wants to be a Free Agent. What does that mean?
Fred Osborn, Tempe AZ
Dear Fred,
A free agent is when your ten year old son comes to you and says he will continue to mow the lawn but now he wants twenty dollars a week because his buddy Timmy gets that much for mowing his lawn. Being the good dad you are, you and your son go over to Timmy's house with the lawn mower and you tell Timmy's dad your son will mow their laws for fifteen bucks. Free agency is created, your son makes more money and that asshole Timmy now knows to keep his piehole shut.
Andy
Savaii
On the return from Tribal Council Ozzie declares free agency and tells everyone they everyone can play the game for themselves. He uses the "I thought we had an alliance," card. Keith thinks he took it too personnel, Cochran calls him a crybaby, Jim wants an apology and Whitney wants Oz to man up. Myself, I want 2 for 1 lap dances at the strip club, but that's just me. While we are on the subject ladies, is there such a term as "woman up?" Just askin'. If so what does it mean?
Redemption Island
We see Christine flip off Rick when he says hi. She needs to write a book on social graces and winning friends, I would be first in line to get a copy. Christine beats Elyse in shuffleboard. I am happy for her because Christine can now add to her resume that she beat a Miss America runner up in a game of shuffleboard in the losers bracket of Survivor, priceless. Miss Congeniality is still in this game.
Upolu
Observations. Coach wants people to be up front and honest. We then see Coach observing Brandon who is looking for the idol. He makes no effort to tell Brandon that he himself has the idol. I guess Coach wants "other people" to be up front and honest. It is the same thing as Keith, he wants "other people" to not take it personnel when someone from another alliance is voted out. Finally, where is Brandon's head. If he would stop and think for even one second. He is busting his butt looking for the idol while Coach and Albert are doing what? They are watching him look for the idol. He even asks them if they think someone already found the idol. Use some logic dude.
Savaii
Oz man apologizes to the group. Jim makes a great obversation about the Oz man. He wants to keep Oz around because he could help them win challenges after the merge but he also has a big target on his back and should be easy to vote out.
Challenge
Put together a wheelbarrow, haul coconuts, assemble a sling shot and then shoot targets. Loved this challenge. Upolu got off to a huge lead and then Albert, Coach and Mikayla couldn't hit enough targets. Coach blames Mikayla for not being able to hit targets. Um dude, there were three of you shooting and I could be wrong, Albert was the only to hit a target. Even if Mikayla doesn't shoot anymore, you weren't really hitting anything either. To repeat what I said to Timmy earlier, Coach shut your piehole. Savaii enjoys immunity, food and a natural water slide as reward.
Pretribal
Edna or Mikayla? To quote Mikayla, "Edna is half my size and twice my age." You need to keep Mikayla over Edna for several reasons. Edna was the only one who talked to Coach early on in this game so you know they are bonded now. Edna is smart while Mikayla is strong. If you aren't in the alliance with a smart person, you need to get rid of them before or early in the merge stage or they will dominate later on. You need to listen to their ideas, steal these ideas, vote them out and use their ideas. This isn't how this game is played but rather how it is won. In Mikayla you have a female Ozzie on your team who, while she is nice and strong, she really isn't a strategy hound. This is the phase of the game where the game slowly moves from physical to smarts. The only person who I think can dominate this season both smart wise and physically is Albert. I don't think Keith, Oz or Mikayla are smart enough to win. At least they haven't demonstrated that.
Tribal
If people want to win this game they really need to pay attention to what other people say at Tribal Council. Albert says, "People can fake loyalty, but not strength." Great point. Coach tops him by saying, "Sometimes you can be too honest in this game, you need to hide some cards." that in itself revealed a little bit about both players. Albert isn't hiding his strength while Coach is hiding something, um, maybe an idol. Rick makes a mistake by voting Mikayla. If memory serves he didn't want Coach around at all from the beginning and now he votes with him to get rid of Mikayla? That is how you lose this game. If he had listened to Albert he would have realized they had the same opportunity this week to do what Savaii did last week and take out a key person on the rival alliance. You had them by the balls and released your grip. In Survivor when opportunities like this arise to take control you need to grab hold, and you whiffed here. Had you voted out Edna it would have left Coach and Brandon against the other four. Missed opportunity and now Albert and Sophie wonder if they can trust you.
Next week.
Merge or not to merge. ON a side note, Jim is the guy to beat in my opinion. He is the second coming of Richard Hatch, only he doesn't walk around naked.

School Lunches

After watching last night's episode I got to thinking, wouldn't it be great if you could just send your kids to school and have them rip meat off a carcass and start chewing? Disease or not it would make lunch period a lot more interesting.
Upolu
Will Jim, Harvard and Dawn really go after the Oz-man and Elyse?
Redemption (I hate everybody) Island
Stacey and Christine tell us they hate everyone and everyone is fake. I even got a text from Stacey which said, "Andy you suck too." What did I do? Stacey tells us she is going to spill the beans about Coach and Albert. Oh yeah, she also says she is going to tell everyone that Coach doesn't like being called Benjamin.
Savaii
Brandon cries again and we are reminded that he doesn't want people to think of him in the same light as his uncle Russell. For the love of God man, could you tell us something new next week like your mom sells Avon or your dad grows pot in his backyard, something, anything new.
Redemption Island Challenge
Catching tennis balls rolling down a chute. I hope I never have to do this challenge because I think I would get sick concentrating on three or four balls going in circles. Prior to the challenge Stacey comes through and tells those people watching: Dawn, Whitney, Albert and Mikayla that Coach is in charge and don't trust him. Stacey then loses the challenge, mounts her broom and flies back to the castle to plan her attack on the people of earth with the Winged Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.
Savaii
Albert and Mikayla tell the group about Stacey's outburst and Coach steps up and says: "Anybody calls me Benjamin and I will get pissed." Coach, don't be that guy. I respect you Coach but sooner or later I will call you Benjamin especially if you tell me not to because, that't how I role. Never tell anybody what sets you off, you know why, because they will do exactly what you told them not to do. You tell me you hate Bud Light, guess who is getting two cases of Bud Light for a Christmas present?
Upolu
Jim, Harvard and Dawn are planning their takeover against the Oz-man. Cochran notices that Ozzie is a provider but that he is, "Sort of a lazy ass." Okay class, what have I been saying? Ozzie hasn't changed one bit from his last two appearances on Survivor. Here is his MO. He comes out as a tough competitor in challenges, he collects fish, he finds a girl he likes and..................keeps his hair combed and looks good without a shirt. The only difference between Ozzie and me is, he gets all the girls, keeps his hair combed and looks good without a shirt. Other than that you could never tell us apart. His concentration is on the girl laying in the hammock, not the game. Some people never change. You never see him talking strategy with anybody, he just assumes that since he is the Great Oz, everyone will do what he says. Oh yes, he did make a huge mistake that Jim picked up when he said Coach should get rid of Albert on the other team. Basically you want to be the only stud in the tribe to win the women over but no strategy in winning the game.
Savaii
Finally, someone is looking for the idol in this tribe. Sophie, Albert and Coach work together and Coach finds it. I think this was a great move on their part because they were looking for the idol together, as a group. By the way, I think Sophie is going to go a long way in this game and could win it. She has some very intelligent comments and if she gains a little confidence, she could win. Oh yeah anyone notice the idol was found "In a hole in a tree." Why don't you just hide it in someone's shoe and give the clue, "You will find the idol in something you put your foot into." That would limit your choices to a pile of crap, your mouth or your shoe. Can we have someone other than Mrs. Jacobs 2nd grade class in Dover Delaware give clues on how to find the idol and where it is hidden? DAH, the idol is in something you carry your books home from school in? DAH, my mom's car? DAH, its under my arm? Oh, my bookbag.
Upolu
Ozzie says these people are becoming his tribe. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah about one minute before when Coach says, "We have this game by the balls."
Challenge
Grabbing meat by your mouth off a carcass of a pig and spitting into a tray. The team with the most meat after a time limit wins. Upolo wins by 2 ounces. I give Mikayla the gold medal here as even with her hands tied behind her back she manages to kneel down and grab a large chunk of meat off the groud and put it into the pan. That piece was every bit of two ounces. And of course as being the winning team they get to take the 20 pounds of meat, that each person already had in their mouths, back to camp to eat along with spices and other winnings. Cochran of course points out the threat of sharing diseases in sharing the meat that has been in everyones mouth. Dude, you have been living outside for twelve days, not having taken a bath, nor changing your underwear and cleaning your behind with whatever leaf is nearby and your are worried about the meat? Really? If you haven't contracted something by now, I don't think the meat is going to hurt you especially if you cook it first.
Upolu
Jim, Dawn and Cochran work their magic on Keith and Whitney. Keith and Whitney talk about not wanting to upset Ozzie so they will just vote for someone else and not Elyse. I love listening to two blondes talk to one another. Well the tornado is a mile down the road do you think we should go to the basement? I don't know, what do you think? Here is exactly why Keith and Whitney won't win, they are more worried about not upsetting Ozzie then winning the game.
Tribal Council
Elyse says something at tribal which simply sets her apart from others when she says about Cochran, "He is a hard worker but sometimes social graces and skills come into play." WTF? This isn't the Miss American pagent, it's Survivor. Elyse is sent packing and can't understand why people she trusted voted her out. Elyse, that's what you get for hanging out in a hammock with Oz-man. You assumed no one was ever going to vote for you.
Next Week
Coach is getting his fill of Brandon. Cochran calls Ozzie a crybaby. Ozzie announces to the group, "I am a free agent." I will say it again, Ozzie is a great povider, a womanizer, but has no clue how to play this game when push comes to shove, absolutely no strategy at all.

Apologies and Mormons

I need to start by apologizing to my third grade teacher Mrs. Banks. Back in 1968 I was involved in a pudding fight in the lunch room at Helena Elementary School. It would be easy to blame other people but our 35th class reunion is coming up in 2013, I think it is high time to let bygones be bygones. I also need to explain that Mrs. Banks back then was about five foot nothing and weighed about 300 pounds. Even though she wasn't very tall, I found out that day that she had incredible paddle speed and a nice follow through Had the designated hitter been in effect in baseball back then I think she would have been batting third for the Yankees. So to Mrs. Banks, I am truly sorry that someone else started the pudding fight that I was involved with.
Savaii
Did I call it? Ozzie is snuggling up to yet another girl, yet again, this time Elyse. Have you not learned anything from your past discretions of focusing on the girl and not the game? If memory serves she was a contestant in the Miss America contest a few years back. Don't go down that road again Oz. Have you ever seen the movie Tin Cup where Kevin Costner continues to shoot his ball at the hole on the 17th green even though after five or six attempts it continues to roll into the water?
He loses the tournament but finally makes the shot. Same thing will happen, yet again to Oz Boy.
Upolo
Brandon apologizes to everyone about everthing. Mikayla listens to his apology but reminds us that Brandon's uncle is the terrible Russell from season's past. I do like Mikayla but she has got move on now. Oh by the way if I was dating Mikayla I would be the most popular guy in the world. Ya know why, because my girlfriend plays football in her underwear. Your girlfriends could have piloted a rocket to the sun, your girlfriends could be a doctor yadda, yadda, yadda, my girlfriend plays football in her underwear. That's how guys are. Oh yeah, back to the game. Brandon then tells Edna that she is the sixth person in a five person alliance. Edna is about two classes short of being a doctor (Not a girl who plays football in her underwear, let's not get carried away here) and Edna is very smart, she knows she is in trouble.
Savaii
They get swimsuits, hooray.
Redemption Island
Brandon apologizes to Christine for voting her out. Christine beats Papa Bear in toss across and stays alive.
Upolo
Edna talks a lot. Edna talks more. Edna laughs. Edna laughs more. Edna annoys Stacey.
Enda is being a dick. (Sorry, just had to throw that in) Speaking of Stacey,..............um...........yeah.
Savaii
Jim and Cochran hatching a plan to get rid of Elyse. Good idea, your tribe in becoming the second coming of Rob's plan last season and Ozzie is a big copy cat for doing that again.
Challenge
Weight Lifting and Chickens
It comes down to Stacey and Dawn the Mormon. Dawn wins the power lifting challenge by beating Stacey. Boths girls used their butts as much as they could. I am guessing the Mormons prayer meetings go something like this. Dear Lord, (Everybody stretch) we thank thee (And get those arms above your head high and hold for a three count) for the lovely weather today (And bend at your knees and squat) and for the lovely company (And back up again, hold those bibles high now).........................
I know, I know, the cards and letters will be flowing in this week from the Catholics and Lutherans.
Dear Andy,
We pray as much if not more than the mormons.
Sister Ethel Jones / St. Michaels Church
Pre-Tribal Council
Stacey doesn't know where she stands in the group. Really? Twelve days into this game and you don't talk to anyone or interact with anyone. I would think you know exactly where you stand.
Tribal Council
Um, Stacey gets voted out. The tribe stands up to give her a hug and she says, "Nope it would just be fake." Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd Cut. Bitterness from someone who has no clue how to play this game. I just read her profile, she is a funeral director which makes sense. She never talks to her customers either.
Next Week.
Don't call me Benjamin. Coach speaks up.

Applications, VCR's and you

So by happenstance I go to the CBS website last Wednesday, in between getting posters printed for a show in Las Vegas and organizing name tags, signs and assorted items for a trade show in Berlin. Berlin, Germany, not Berlin, Ohio. One Berlin has people eating bratwurst, dancing to polkas and being served beer by big breasted women and the other one is in Germany. But I digress.
Anyhow as CBS always does they changed the rules and dates of when applications are due. This was Wednesday September 28 and the apps are due on Tuesday October 4. Of course I do what I usually do and figured the video would be the hardest part. The next thing I do is jump in my car and go to Wal Mart, only to have the young teenage employee girl with Blue and Orange hair and texting on her phone tell me they don't sell VCR tapes anymore. It didn't bother me that she was texting, it didn't even bother me that she couldn't decide on a hair color, rather that constant popping of her bubble gum and not even looking up at me when she answered my question. I am guessing she was an assistant manager working her way up.
So then I checked the website to see that we could use a different format. Well if you want to see the finished product send me your email I will send a copy which stars my youngest nephew Aidan Farmer age eight. He says stuff that eight years old don't uaually say, sort of like Brick from The Middle. Two weeks ago he was getting ready to run a one mile race with a group of K - 3 kids. At this event they shot off a cannon at the start of each race. The director called the kids in just before the start and explained how the race would start, where they should stand etc. He then asked if there were any questions and Aidan put his hand up and said, "Yeah, how much gun powder do you put into the cannon?" You can't make that crap up.
So anyhow the application is in and if you would like to see the tape, let me know and I will send it.
P.S. If you have any questions for Aidan, please let me know.