Jane you ignorant chicken eatin' survivor.

Just when you think you have this game figured out, you find out you really never do.
Day 32
We start by seeing Sash telling Fabio that he wanted to tell him that he was voting for Benry last week but couldn't. I am not sure if I am a fan of Sash or not but the boy knows when to keep his mouth shut. Fabio thinks people are underestimating him and I really don't think that at all.
Day 33 - Family Reunion Day - Everybody say cheese.
This is always one of my favorites episodes of Survivor. This is the episode where people let their guard down and not so much for themselves but for the family and friends of others who show up. You get a first hand look at how really screwed up other families are - OR NOT -. Okay who cried, let's have a show of hands when Holly told everyone that they had missed their 25th wedding anniversary. Chase's mom was a close second. You won't admit it but this is usually a tear jerker.
Family Challenge
Get bags of puzzle pieces out of a pool and give them to your other family member to put together. I swear to God that Dan almost drowned in the kiddie sized pool. Chase and his mom win and take Sash and Holly even after he promised to take Fabs. Here is my Grinch Hard Take on that one. If Fab wants to go on the reward trip then win the reward challenge dude, you ain't in junior high now.
Jane, Jane, Jane
I have liked Jane since the beginning and really hoped she would go far in this game. She had to have been listening when various people have told her that if she makes it to the final, she probably wins the whole thing. As the night wore on even she said she was the 4th person in a four person alliance.
Reward
The one item that stood out was Chase admitted that Naonka had given him the other idol. Holly, Sash and Chase are a big three and are in charge.....maybe. After the trip Fabs is mad at Chase for not taking him on reward. Dude, what would you have gained by going? Some food, a few drinks and a few hours with mom. Get in your car and go visit your mom and she'll feed you and buy you a six pack, get over it. This game isn't won over a reward challenge.
Immunity Challenge - Blindfolds at twenty paces.
If I ever make it on Survivor and there is a blindfold challenge, I am asking for a crotch cup. Do you know how many times the guys walk into a post that is crotch high?
Anyhow, Fabs wins immunity and finally stops crying.
Best Survivor meeting ever where no one said anything.
Jane walks up to Sash, Holly and Chase and asks them who they are voting for. Cue the crickets and Jane's middle finger rub of her nose. Classic with a capital FU. She had to see this coming.
Final Council
I think a great council. My point to make is this council is an example of why you need to really review your situation and come up with options. Jeff is now experienced at shaking the trees when gathering information and getting people to open up. (Did everyone like that reference? Just came to me about one minute ago.) Basically the council involved Jane calling out Holly, Sash and Chase. What she needed to do prior to tribal council was to put Fabio and Dan on notice that one of them was next, period. She should have pushed hard to get them to vote for at least a tie which most likely would have been building a fire and she would have won going away. Fabs and Dan were voting just to get past last night, not to win this game. They are down 3 - 2 now and at this point it might as well be 100 - 1. When you are at this point you have to play the odds which they didn't, especially Dan. Unless the other four drop dead, he ain't winning a challenge to move on. It was an opportune time to get rid of Jane, but Fabs and Dan didn't do themselves any favors by voting her out as one of those two goes home next.
Sunday finale
Nobody trusts anybody.

Paranoia runs rampant.........

If you have been following my blog through the years you know my feelings about locker rooms in health clubs. You also know that I think there should be a state law on how long a total stranger can stand in front of you with his junk hanging out. This law should allow about five seconds unless he is having trouble getting his combination lock to open, then I give him another 20 seconds. However this pales in comparison to the new super sized toilet paper roll holders that are now installed. Not sure at all if they have these in the women's bathroom, but they average is size between a wheel of cheese and a spare tire you carry in your trunk. The good news is they only have to change these rolls about as often as you change your clocks in the fall and spring. The bad news is they seal each roll by using about a bottle of paste the size that you bought your first grader years and years ago. Saturday it took me about five minutes of scratching and clawing at the paper to finally break the paste seal. Whomever is ahead of the sealing department is getting a letter.
Now back to your regularly scheduled rant.
Day 29 - Libertad
Holly can't believe that Naonka Donka and Two Legged Kelli both quit. As I said before if you quit you shouldn't be allowed on the reunion show, period. The group decided to name the remaining Chicken and called it Kelli-Na. After losing three of his alliance in the past two tribal councils, Sash still thinks the run is in his favor. How he came up with that, I ain't at all sure. Sash then tells the other six players that he is a free agent and will play his idol at the next tribal council. He then starts asking people how they are going to vote. What dumbass would give out his strategy then turn around and ask everyone for their strategy? I am not at all sure of his thinking right now. Chase wants to stay with the women while at the same time saying if Jane makes it to the final she wins. Are these guys twin blondes or what?
Reward
The mud pit, to the bale of hay to tossing beanbags that balance on a barrell. Dan can't sit out anymore but he might as well because, well because he is Dan. Chase wins this going away and then makes yet another questionable decision by taking Holly and Jane on reward. He tells Holly he should have brought Sash.
Sash says that Jane and Holly are the least strategic people. From my vantage I have to disagree. Holly was the reason that Brenda is no longer around dude, wake up. As far as Jane goes, you yourself said she would win if she made it to the final so she must be doing something right. While Holly, Chase and Jane are away the others kill the final chicken and eat it. Jane crys about it, builds a grave, holds a grave side service, sings O Holy Night and then tells us she would have whacked the chicken too and ate it private. Nice touch. Holly and Benry both say they don't trust Sash and then Fabio and Benry take turns on the paranoia train and keep asking people if anybody is talking about them.
Immunity
Rope lengths, gold coins and puzzles. Sash wins this one going away as he figures out the coin puzzle pretty easily. Sometimes brains come in handy. We see Sash say he is in control and can't wait for his million dollars. The kiss of death maybe?
The one thing that stands out is Sash hugging Jane and saying, "You are a mom figure, we are all loyal and sincere, we can't back stab each other." As I sat there watching I got a little puke in the back of my throat when I heard that.
Final Council
The best thing about this council was when Na and Kelli walked in he said, "And the two quitters." Benry gets voted out.
Next week.
The family shows up for a challenge. I hate to say it but this was a pretty boring week.

Eight foot giants and something to suck on.

Letter of the Week.
George Appleby
127 North Main Street
Cooter, AK
Dear Andy,
What did Kelli mean when she said she had "nothing left to suck" during the latest episode?
George
Dear George,
Really? A guy from Cooter, Arkansas writes to me and asks me this question? Yes folks there really is a Santa Claus and there really is a Cooter, Arkansas, OH MY Goodness. What Kelli was referring to was "it." She could no longer suck it. I think I should introduce you to one of my other fans, Ethel, who hails from Climax, GA. Oh I kill myself sometimes.
Day 27
It is quite apparent from the previews that someone wants to quit. To review what I think about people who want to quit, you suck. Holly wanted to quit day five and now she is a power to be reckoned with in this game. Holly still has something to suck. Oh yeah getting back to the game itself, team player Sash who said at an earlier tribal council that he would think about giving up his idol should someone close to him be in trouble. well he thought about giving the idol to Brenda for about one second and then didn't. Naonka says that Brenda threw her under the bus at tribal council. Yup she did and then to prove a point she backed the bus over Naonka and then got voted out herself.
Day 28
Awesome shots of the flooding. Naonka announces that her joints freeze up when its cold like this. Me too, I actually got bad leg cramp reaching too far for another beer during the show. Kelli two legs is going nuts during the storm as well. Fabio said you have to find a happy place which I see he did as he opened his K-ration of weed to enjoy. We then see Naonka give Chase her idol. By her actions and words she had no intention of staying, she treated this like it was her last day on the job.
I guess the good part is she had no plan or strategy with the exception of a few attempts at the slang. Maybe she should write a book called, "Hood Wisdom."
Reward Challenge
Very creative getting the eight foot dummy through the obstacle course. Blue team wins and then Holly steps forward and gives up reward so the losing team can have rice and a tarp. This girl is really making a power name for herself.
No Immunity Challenge
Two people want out so no immunity challenge. When people decide to quit I simply don't have the energy to recap a quitters version of tribal council.
So where do they stand?
Dan
I think the eight foot tall Gulliver dummy would get more votes than Dan.
Benry
I am not sure what he has done to deserve a vote over anyone, except Dan.
Fabio
You're not is a real good position when the tribes' most hated flour stealing, fake leg hated, hood queen won't even vote for you.
Sash
Before tribal council Sash says he doesn't trust Holly, Jane and Chase and hopes Kelli and Naonka stay. I think his game has gone in the crapper quicker than anybody in the history of crapdom or Survivor. He lost three people from his alliance in about ten seconds. He has to scramble big time now. However, history in Survivorville has shown that you need to kill the snake not just injure it. Brenda was the leader and the others need to pay attention and realize that Sash's alliance is now on the jury and not because of him. He can carry a lot of votes in the final.
Chase
He was just presented with a golden ticket-welcome back into the game note from his mom when Naonka gave him the idol. He needs to get rid of Sash quickly so he can use this on his resume at final council.
Jane and Holly
I would love to see a final two with these two. Jane brings her old wisdom, strength and back woods thinking. Holly turned this game around with getting Brenda out. I think Sash is the only one thinking to get these ladies out.
The best scenario would be a final three of Sash, Jane and Holly.
Next week.
The scrambling begins for everyone, except Dan of course, to see who should go home next.

Volcanoes and Camp Fires

So what did we learn from last night's show?
-)We learned you can ride a sled down the side of a volcano, but you need to be wearing a hot suit while you do this.
-)You always need a plan B, even if it sucks.
-)You can start a really great fire by using wood products, really.
-)I am not sure but I don't think there is a fire department in Nicaragua.
Libertad Night 24
I want to first preface this next comment. Before the show started last night I wrote down the following: "This is usually the part of the game that people start to contemplate making a big move in this game." We hear Brenda say once again that her and Sash have all the power. Holly tells Jane and then Benry and then Naonka and then the lady who drives the sandwich truck for Survivor that Brenda is running this game and they need to get rid of her. WOW, the lady who almost quit at day 5 is playing hard now. The group then notices that rain is on the way so the ten of them decide to move all the wooden items closer to the fire to keep the breeze from putting the fire out while they are gone to the challenge. Re-read that sentence a few times before moving on. I am not sure where Dan is at during all of this but Kelli two legs is busy counting her toes, this little piggy went to market....... What does this girl do all day and how in the hell did she make in on the show? She may be the worst Survivor player of alltime. I ain't done with her yet.
Challenge
Barrels and planks. The tribes are split up and have to move across a stretch of sand by using planks and barrels without touching the ground. As I watching this an idea came to mind, what do you need the barrels for? Maybe I missed something in the explantion but hear me out. Jeff said they couldn't touch the ground but I don't think I heard him say you had to use barrels. If you take one shoe off and throw it out in front of the first plank about four feet then you then lay the plank on your shoe and repeat this process with everyone's shoes preventing one end of the plank from hitting the ground. What the shoes does is provide a little space so you can pick the plank back up off the ground to use it again. You can reach down and pick up your shoe as well. You just repeat this process over the entire course. Just sayin. The blue team wins easily and gets to ride a helicopter to the volcano. Naonka said she has never ridden in a helicopter but I am quite sure she has seen her share of these flyin' around the hood through the years. OH WHAT, don't look at me that way. You were thinkin' it but you just didn't have the courage to say it out loud.
Back at Camp
Sash, Holly, Dan, Benry and Brenda find that the wooden chests with their food which they placed very close to the fire to keep the breezes away have burned to a crisp. DAH? Even Abe Lincoln was smart enough to build a log cabin with the forsight to build the fire place out of non-wood items. What did you expect? When the winners return Naonka is on a mission to get Brenda out and is so confident she tells Brenda the plan. Chase soon follows suit but reassures Brenda he won't vote for her. Having said Brenda makes the comment, "I'm not even impressed with their plan." I can see why, the only person who has your back is the one you called brainless earlier. Must be quite the confidence builder. By the way, Chase and Naonka are creeping down to Kelli's stupid level by running and telling the people who they are going to vote out that, the group is going to vote them out.
Immunity Challenge - Last one in the pool wins.
PX 90 workout queen Jane leaves the youngsters in the dust with her ability to hang onto the rope longer than anyone. Truth be told Jane is now a dark horse to win.
Tribal Council
Brenda does absolutely no campaigning on her behalf before tribal council. Her plan was to NOT scramble and let her confidence win people over. YEAH, you know everyone is gunning for you so instead of talking to them you think your confidence will win them over, in other words you have no B. The bully on the block wins when people are scared of them. It's when the others don't fear the bully anymore that the bully loses. The only suspense at tribal council was if Sash would be giving the hidden immunity idol to Brenda, which he didn't. One of the power brokers is gone and everybody has their eyes on the second one, Sash. On a side note, during tribal council Kelli made one comment, I am out of the loop of what's going on. Really? That explains why you voted for Benry this week.
Hidden Immunity Idol and Clues.
Just a little FYI here. I have said all along since the inception of the hidden immunity idol that the most effective way to use it is never tell anyone you have it, not even your mom or the lady who drives the lunch truck in Survivorville and never tell anyone else where to look. Gone is Jill who basically told Marty where to find the idol. Gone now is Marty who gave that idol to Sash who didn't give it to Brenda last night when she needed it. Oh yeah, gone is Alina who had a hold of the first clue but was so excited she couldn't hide it before one legged Kelli came up. Gone is Brenda who figured out the second clue for Naonka and instead of finding it for herself she directed Naonka where to dig. Why in the world would you look at a clue, figure it out and then tell someone else where to dig? So where do we sit, the two people who now hold the idols and didn't find them are still in this game. Happenstance nope, by chance nope, stupidity yes. Having an idol in your hand is the only rule that is for certain in this game, if you play it at tribal council, you can't go home that night.
Next Week
Naonka goes on a rampage. Here is my guess, she hid the hidden immunity idol and can't remember where she hid it, just sayin'.

Facebook and Family Reunions

For those of you who don't know the history of facebook. Four computer science students at Harvard developed the facebook idea for the purpose of social networking. Actually and truth be told they were looking for a new way to pick up women by having people post pictures of themselves and give updates about what they are doing. I might add, no word on whether these guys ever got laid from a meetup with a girl on facebook when they were in college, but maybe they have had sex now since they can pay for it, but back then, ahhh not so much. Fast forward a few years and we find that several countries have intermittently banned the use of facebook including North Korea, Vietnam, China and Pakistan some really forward thinking countries there. I am guessing these countries don't lead the world in having any Star Buck's or Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises either. My first thought would be, any country that bans facebook must be a good thing because you never hear anybody say about any of the aforementioned countries, "Someday when the wife and I retire, we thought about moving to (Insert country here) and live out our twilight years." On the other hand I think Facebook was actually invented by The Kodak Company for the sole purpose of giving people the opportunity to post pictures of themselves online that would normally never be seen by anyone other than close family or someone who got trapped in the family room at Thanksgiving with grandma. Think about this, grandma would have loved to take out all those old photo albums and posted pictures of Aunt Mabel winning a blue ribbon at the country fair in 1947 with her prize winning dill pickles. Basically with technology Facebook can take ordinary boring family pictures that mean absoulutely nothing to anybody else and in about fourteen and half seconds force feed them into millions of households around the world so that everyone else can say, "What the hell were they thinking posting that picture?"

Gonna wup yo' butt wit' a zip line.

Letter of the week from Gladys Ingersole of Tacoma, Washington.
Hey dickhead,
Why don't we get your rants early on Friday mornings as we used too? Secondly, why are Dan and Kelli two legs still in the game?
Dear Gladys,
Gladys is really your name? As God as my witness I have never met a Gladys in my entire life. Let me guess you play Bridge every Tuesday with Blanche, Madge and Edith. To answer your whines, first of all Survivor moved from Thursdays to Wednesdays without my approval which puts a crimp in my blog schedule. Secondly Dan and Kelli two legs are still in the game because state law requires two stupid people remain on a reality show for at least ten episodes. That's not to be confused with the law about not having two stupid blondes on a reality show at the same time but I am sure you and your twin blonde sister already know this.
Toodles
This week
"Take em' to the wood shed and whip his ass." Jane talking about Marty
Good thing Jane didn't go zip lining with the boys or when it was Marty's turn it would have been zip falling. Man they really don't like one another do they? They probably met years ago at a kegger on campus somewhere?
Libertad Day 23
Marty asks Sash if he thinks Chase voted for him? Out of the eleven people who voted last week, why would Chase's vote make a difference? Marty doesn't like Jane nor Chase and the only thing they have in common is North Carolina. You Tar Hell hater.
Reward Challenge
By happenstance the eleven people were randomly split up and it came up boys against the girls. The odd person out was Chase and after looking at the challenge, why would he choose the girls to win? I want cards and letters on this one, give me one good reason why after you have a chance to see what the challenge involves would someone chose the women over the men? All they had to do at the end of the challenge was run through a brick wall. Yeah, give me the 95 pound woman against the stronger men, Dah? The men blow them away and win a trip which included zip lining, beer and food. Throw in a lap dance and call it a day.
Back at camp.
Sash says he and Brenda have the power. Brenda is thinking about Sash while Sash is saying this. We then see Chase turning paranoid and making sure that no one is voting him out. Many things get you voted out of Survivor including paranoia and thinking people are out to get you.
Immunity Challenge
The memory game. Where is the challenge in trying to remember pictures in random order? The only thing you are doing is profiling the stupid people. It comes down to Brenda and Marty. Brenda wins when Marty finally fails on remembering between a wheel and a knife. It might have been something else but their is no real challenge in this game other than not getting beat by a dumbass.
Back at Camp
Fabio says he hates playing dumb in order to move on in this game. By a show of blonde strands of hair, how many people thought that was the pot calling the kettle black? Naonka says she is going to follow her intuition. HUH? Now by another vote of hands, which comment was dumber? Basically the plan was to tell everyone they were voting for Naonka but actually voting for Jane. Really, that was the plan in letting everyone to think they were voting for Naonka when really they were voting for Jane. I know this was the plan because I am pretty sure Fabio told the plan to Naonka too.
Brenda of course pipes in for the the 87th time that she was going along with the plan, BUT that her and Sash were still running the show. Isn't that like the husband saying he is in charge of the house...........whenever his wife isn't home. Marty goes home. He did make one valid point, how is it Naonka is getting free pass even after she stole things last week? Oh yeah Naonka said she was a humanitarian and makes human mistakes. WOW, I didn't realize that was what a humanitarian does.
Next week.
When the tribe returns to camp we see gasps and everyone saying "OH MY GOD" from everyone including GOD himself, only he says "Oh Myself."

Betty Crocker and Dirt Squirrels

"I took the flour so I could measure it so it would last longer when we were cooking." Naonka Crocker. "Alina is a dirt squirrel." Benry. I have read some of Betty Crocker's cookbooks and in no chapter does she mention grabbing a bag of flour and burying it in the ground while being stranded on an island. Maybe she was going to bread and cook the dirt squirrel Benry was talking about.
I kept wondering all week if Sash was going to keep his promise to Marty and give the idol back after not voting for him. I guess he kept half a promise so far. More on this later.
LaFlor
Marty thinks he is a dead man walking. Marty has new life yet again. It was funny how the producers showed buzzards picking at a carcass during his confessional, great editing. Sash then says people need to be loyal to him. Hey Sash, hasn't Marty been the most loyal? Fabio finds treemail and tells his group the merge is in order and everyone cheers, shoots off bottle rockets and have a circle pee.
Espada
We see a big box with a DO NOT OPEN on it, WOW the suspense. Maybe LaFlor had voted out Marty the night before and sent his body as a message not to screw the LaFlor tribe. Benry says Alina had burned some bridges and needs to go. Alina says the tribe of six has to keep strong and go after Marty. Naonka says Alina was talking but nobody was listening. The chest is opened when both tribes are together and food, food, food and Marty decides the new tribe should be named Libertab which means Liberty. What no justice for all? Naonka starts hoarding food when no one is around to watch her steal it, that is everyone but that frickin' camera guy who seesms to be everywhere. We find out that Brenda hates Jane and she also thinks Marty is stupid for giving away the idol. Um Brenda, counting tonight you have had three chances to vote Marty out. Who you callin' stupid? Jane then tells Chase that she runs 3 miles a day and does PX90 and has a weekly enema. Chase thinks Jane is a true country girl and he plans on planting some corn next spring in honor of his new found friend. Naonka makes Tortillas and everyone grabs food and she gets very little of the food she just cooked so she does what every logical person would which is to steal the flour and cooking pan and go bury it in the sand. Holly notices this. Naonka starts toying with Alina in hopes of getting her jury vote at the end. Looooong way from that Betty Crocker. Fabio discovers that a lot of the food, flour and a cooking pan are missing as well as his last issue of Playboy. That would piss me off too. Holly asks Naonka about seeing her taking the flour and Naonka first denies it then says "I was measuring out the flour so it would last longer." Evidently it's easier to measure flour while its buried in the ground. It then appeared that Marty was leading a drug type intervention on behalf of Naonka to find out why she stole the items. People who enable flour stealers only drag them down in the long run.
Day 22
Brenda said Naonka took stuff but so did Alina. This makes no sense, its' okay for one person to steal but not the other. Sash then approaches Naonka and tells her that he wants to take her to the final as she is his number one girl. Wait until the other prom dates find out what you said. Marty starts in on a rant about Jane referring to her momma and all that crap. I am getting the impression that people from the country are not Marty's cup of designer tea.
Immunity
People have to hold two pieces of iron together to support a steal rod. To no one's surprise Dan and two legged Kelli are both gone in about five seconds. Fabio and Jane both win immunity. Jane confesses that she wanted to beat Marty badly. Kelli two legs then makes her first comment since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, "I want to keep the girls together." Well who doesn't want to keep the girls together, I do too but for different reasons. Sash then makes another bold move by telling people he wants to keep his loyalty to Marty and not vote him out. I'm sorry but if I am playing this game, how does your loyalty to another player benefit me? Everyone left in the game should be asking that questions especially after what he said last week. Dan tells Marty that Chase is going after him.
Tribal Council
Holly says it is not enough just to play along, you have to take a chance. I agree. Marty then rambles on and on about Jane making an early mistake with her alliance and he is sick and tired of her country references and that if she makes it to the final and he doesn't, he will vote for her for a million dollars. The German judge gives him a 7.5 on content, a 9.5 on whininess and a 1.5 on his Side Show Bob haircut. Alina makes a great point, a little too late, that Marty is a huge threat and she is a swing vote pawn. Alina gets voted out like 200 - 1 and even her mom votes her off. Obviously she made no lasting alliances as people simply don't get that many votes unless they have really pissed some people off.
Next week
We see Brenda say that people need to know their place, what a bitch.

Peeing in the pool, fish and Freud.

"You get to milk your own milk?" As credited to two legged blonde Kelli.
Yes Kelli, had your team won the reward challenge you would have gotten to milk your own milk. Eight people, that's one less than you need to field a baseball team, have been voted out so far and this is her highlight of the year. I actually forgot she was in the game until they had her pose seductively and say, "You get to milk your own milk?" I am thinking that somewhere in a beauty salon in Hollywood Paris Hilton is scratching her head and saying, "I didn't even know you could milk your milk, that's so cool."
Espada
Back at camp after voting out Yve, everyone hugs Dan for surviving the night, not necessarily surviving the vote but actually surviving the walk back to camp. They then hook him up to his heart monitor and breathing machine so he doesn't die before the next vote and then spray some new car scent around the hut to make him think about his three cars back home. Chase, Naonka and Holly want to go after Alina because they don't trust her. Naonka says she has never trusted her. Good thing Alina doesn't have any artificial limbs or they would have been cooked with the chicken.
LaFlor
Marty starts telling Jane that he has never lied to her, never mis-represented himself or slept with any other women since he met Jane. Jane just laughs at him.
Reward Challenge
The teams are playing a version of handball over water. Espada scores early and often and rightfully so as Fabio spends most of his time peeing in the pool. I know I will get letters for this and I would say Dan threw like a girl, but that would be offensive to women simply because, he didn't even throw well enough to qualify for that comment. It amazes me that both he and Kelli two legs are still in this game.
La Flor
Sash makes some bold comments that he is going to lie around camp and let the elders do the work. Yeah that strategy always works. Jane says she's not going to tell the youngsters what to do as she is still in the minority. She then goes out and catches some fish and eats them by herself. Bravo, that was a true Survivor moment.
Espada
The Espada group gets to milk a cow and then eat. Alina starts crying because she they haven't eaten in 16 days and Naonka hates that Holly hugs her.
Immunity Challenge
It is just me or are the challenges this year pretty weak? The cannonball run challenge consists of rolling a ball down an eaves trough to knock out some tiles. There isn't any contact and people are basically just standing around watching. Espada wins and LaFlor now has to vote someone out.
LaFlor
Brenda comes up with the idea of having Sash ask Marty for the idol. After contemplation, weighing the pros and cons and using his magic eight ball Marty thinks its better to develop an alliance then using the idol as he points out "I could use it tonight and then go home the next time." Great point. For the second consecutive time LaFlor is handed a golden opportunity to take out a big rival. It's now time to go into the "Way Back" machine for some Survivor History. If you remember Brenda basically gave Naonka the first idol by showing her where to dig for the first idol and now she tells Sash to ask Marty for the idol which he gives not to Brenda but to Sash. Had Brenda done both tasks she would have two idols right now which would be huge. Jane says it best later in the game, giving up an idol never has worked out for anyone, just ask Eric from many seasons ago who gave away immunity at the final four or you can look at Parvati from last season who helped save who? Sandra that's who and who won, Sandra won not Parvati. Also, Sandra found an idol late in the game last time, she told no one and use it herself. She used the idol in the way it was intended to be used, a valuable tool.
Tribal Council
Once again there is discussion about who the in crowd is and who isn't in the in crowd and Jane basically says, "We are know where we stand." Marty calls Jane a flipper for changing alliances. Jill says it is still a young and old alliance. Ya know Jill accept for the fact that Jane is old but in with the younsters and we all know where this is going. Sash says he knows where the idol and Brenda exposes Sash and tells everyone that Sash has it. Jeff then asks the best question, "So Sash since your alliance is so strong why not just give the idol to Brenda?" One of the best questions at tribal council ever brings about one of the worst answers when Sash says, "If there comes a time when I feel the tribe doesn't trust me anymore.."
Even dumbass Fabio picks up on this. Talk about setting yourself up for a blindside.
The votes goes Jill - 3,Marty - 2 and Jane 2. Jill goes home. Oh yeah, Jill basically told Marty where to find the idol, way back ago. Once again, when you have a chance to find the idol, keep it. I hope I don't have to tell the class again.
Next week
The merge takes place and Naonka starts stealing food which always goes well in Survivor.

I don't have a leg to stand on.............

Yve: "No one told me about the plan to vote out Tyrone last night." Anybody remember the old Batman television series that showed the words "BAM", "POW", "SOCKEM'", whenever they got into a fight with the bad guys? Yve got bammed last night. Anybody who has ever watched this show, then participates should have a clue about their future when they have no idea why no one else told them about a plan. Sort of like the guy who got divorced and had no idea his wife was sleeping around. Maybe she should have told him when she was dishing up the turkey at Thanksgiving with all the family there, "I want to thank God for all this good food and to my husband Ernie, I wanted to let you know that I have been sleeping with the gardner. Eat up everybody." It's in the timing.
Espada
Dan wants to quit and go home and wax his three cars. Had I heard this I would have looked at him and said, "You need help packing?" Nothing good ever comes from talking people into staying or better yet, letting them stay. Take note Holly and Naonka.
La Flor
Marty says he feels like he fell into Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. I am sure in his crazy, zany, anal..........lytical mind it made sense to say that. Brenda says she likes Jane and wants to split the vote at 3 for Marty and 3 for Jill when they get to tribal council. They haven't even had the challenge yet.
Challenge
Both tribes find out that individual immunity is up for grabs for each tribe. Each player is given a paddle and has a toilet bowl attached to their backside. Yes it looked like a toilet you know it did. They then had to dig in the ground to find three buried rings then toss the rings over their head into the toilet. Holly and Jill make it to the final and Jill soon has three rings hanging on the door hooks for the win which gives her immunity and also gives her tribe a feast as well. This destroys Brenda's plan of getting rid of Marty or Jill so she of course turns her rage against one legged Kelli because no tribe needs two Kelli's and if you have one Kelli she should at least have two legs for the love of God. I had to go back and look up two legged Kelli's profile and she put down being voted homecoming queen one of her greatest accomplishments. Uh, yeah maybe if I said I nailed the homecoming queen as one of my greatest accomplishments that would get me on the show.
Back at band camp Espada
Holly points out that the La Flor tribe gets to watch her tribe vote someone out as well as eat in front of them. Dan asks, "Why am I here? I have three houses, six cars and a talking dog, I don't need the money." Then leave dude, go home. Chase, Benry and Alina all say they don't want to take Yve to the merge even though she is better in challenges than Dan and smarter. Keeping a person around for their vote is somewhat important but Yve posed no real threat and would have kept the tribe stronger. You are going to see this duplicated with the other tribe later in the game.
LaFlor
The tribe does a 1-2-3-4 LaFlor cheer and Brenda states to the camera that is was all fake. She also says Fabio is clueless which we all know, but hey he has a cool name. Marty then tells Fabio he beat Guillermo Villas in chess twice and that it was cool because he is a grand master in chess. Marty then can't but help to chuckle to the camera that Guillermo was a tennis player not a chess player from the 70's. Oh my goodness the jocularity in that comment sent my octciptal orbit into convulsions to say the least, ho, ho, ho. Whatever Skippy. Brenda then tells Jane they are voting Marty in attempt to flush the idol. I am going to repeat for later reference, Brenda tells Jane they are voting Marty to flush the idol or get rid of him if he doesn't play it. Sash tells Fabio they want to split to vote 3 and 3 with Marty and one legged Kelli. Fabio says he has a crush on Marty and Sash slowly walks away. (That didn't really happen but it sounds good) Marty realizes something is up when they tell him they are voting for Jane but continue to talk and talk. I picked up on something at this point when Brenda told one legged Kelli they were going to vote for Jane. Brenda was lying and never looked Kelli B in the face, did anyone else see that? Pretty obvious in my book. Marty takes a huge chance and doesn't play his idol and he and Kelli B end up in a tie, Al Gore asks for re-count and says the process of writing someone's name on a piece of paper is too complicated to understand. Hey Al, why don't you go and recycle something. A revote takes Kelli B down. This has to be the most puzzling moves in the history or Survivor. Brenda and Sash wanted to flush the idol/and or get rid of Marty. This vote, and might I add the 2ND VOTE within about twenty seconds after a re-vote was declared, was a gift wrapped present with a big bow and flashing light that said, VOTE MARTY. So what does this tribe do, they keep their biggest threat, they keep the stronger player, they keep the smarter player who also happens to have a frickin' idol in his pocket. They get rid of a one legged player who they think would get the sympathy vote, who hasn't been much of a threat in challenges, who doesn't care for Marty and would have easily fit into their alliance had they asked. These two tribes are the exact opposite on their theories of voting people out.
Espada Tribal Council
Yve says Dan is always complaining which everybody already knows. Evidently Yve was sleeping last week when Tyrone kept talking bad about people. She gets voted off. Again and for the second time why are you keeping a two legged guy who walks like he has one leg? I don't get either tribes' decision tonight.
Next week
Sash approaches Marty about giving him the idol, Jane eats fish alone and Fabio pees in the pool.

Look out for neighbors who eat chickens

This week's letter of the week comes from Judy Llama of Sault Saint Marie, Michigan.
Dear Andy,
Ya, Pa and me was a just readin' your blog from last week that tells us you think Dan should have gone home instead of Jimmy T. Eh, I should tell you Pa got pretty steamed up and says Dan works hard and keeps his mouth shut and darn tottin' he should stay in the game.
Dear Ma and Pa,
Don't go getting your flannel g-string into a bunch there eh touk head. And before I forget, your letter should read, Pa and I was a just readin', not Pa and me. Secondly, if you saw the previews for next week's show you see that Dan is thinking about quitting, so I was right. Secondly, the words darn tootin' aren't allowed on this family blog. Finally, shouldn't your husband be out shooting something to stuff and hang next to the fire place? Eh? Oh yeah, Dan called me and asked if you know how to get the fish smell out of a $ 1,600 pair of alligator shoes?
Egos and the obvious
Holly thinks she is now on the outs since one of her alliance Jimmy T. is gone. Ya think Holly? Really? Marty states that last night's tribal council was a slam dunk and that he can't imagine anything going wrong and follows that up with something very terrible would have to happen. Naonka says her alliance is in total control of the game. Brenda again says everybody loves her and wants to be in her alliance and be part of friends network on AT&T.
Side Show Bob and new tribes.
Did anyone catch Marty's hair as he walked into the first challenge. He looked like Sideshow Bob from the Simpson's. The tribes dropped their buffs and basically the teams were split in half and redistributed, which makes Marty's words of a terrible thing happening come true. Espada wins the pin ball game and gets two chickens and a rooster. This is a re-run from several years past as the tribe now has to decide on one or two eggs a day or eating a whole chicken.
At the LaFlor camp Marty said he hasn't lied to anyone and then shows the hidden immunity to everyone. "Wow", "neat", "can I touch it", "that's cool", "that's bigger than I thought it would be", well no one actually said those things but it's a nice segway for my next comment. Brenda thinks Marty is arrogant for showing everyone his idol. I think she has hidden immunity idol envy. Over as Espada Tyrone says the rain will stop soon which Dan replies, "Noah said that same thing." Great line. Naonka is losing it and wants to quit but Alina and Chase give comfort. Having the advantage of being on the outside looking in, wasn't this the same Alina that sat next to one legged Kelli a few weeks ago as Naonka ripped into Kelli? So what happens if the merge comes and Kelli B and Naonka are still in the game, who will Alina go with? Another thing, no player who has ever said they wanted to quit ever last much longer in this game. "Let her quit," says Alina, "one less person I have to battle." Alina also says something that I can't believe, "Naonka is acting like a high school girl who is on her period all the time." Yes folks I think we have finally seen it all on television, pack up the cameras and let's all go home. Alina then says what many Survivors have said in the past, my alliance of Holly, Benry, Yve, Chase and I are in control of this game. Think again, this game has only started.
Immunity Challenge
Loved it. Rope three girls to a windmill, dunk them in water and have them get a mouthful of water and spit it into a tube. LaFlor wins so Espada will send someone home.
Look out for your neighbor.
Tyrone had taken the lead at Espada and told the newbies the "rules" of the camp. Help around camp, get firewood, use the machete and make sure you replace the toilet paper if you empty the roll. Well, something like that. His undoing was both his mouth and his actions. The words, "Look out for your neighbor," came back to haunt him. He didn't want to kill the chicken and then as Benry pointed out, he ate the most after it was cooked.
At tribal council Alina points out that the tribe bonded during the rain. Benry says Tyrone "appears" to be the leader and Tyrone accepts it, if only for a few more minutes. Naonka says that night of the storm was the hardest thing she went through since her divorce which she points out was her fault. WOW, could it be this game really breaks people down that much. She actually said something worth listening to. Jeff forces the issue and gets Yve to say that Naonka wanted to quit and she is concerned that is might happen again in the future. Tyrone is gone if for nothing else, eating too much chicken.

Next week we see Dan wants to quit and Marty tells people that he is a grand master chess champion which should come in quite handy when they go to kill the next chicken don't you think?

Filet my Sole.

Back when I was in the fifth grade I was the starting shortstop on my midget league baseball team as well as the third relief pitcher. Later in life I was the back up kicker on my high school football team and scored exactly one point in my career, true story. And then when I was in college I once got a perfect paper on a Kineesiology paper and I can't even spell Kaneiceiology. So there you have it folks, my reason for being a leader. For more information on me please go to www.likeireallycare.com.
This week: "People that confuse me in this game."
Brenda reminds us again last night that people keep coming up to her and wanting her to be in their alliance. You're a former NFL cheerleader that's why they come up and talk to you. So hey dumbass why are you doing what you are doing? First of all, you show Nanooky, who is by far the dumbest player in this game (maybe in the history of the show) where the idol is and then don't even claim it for yourself. Then in an attempt to build trust you tell Chase that Nanooky has the idol but don't tell her I told you. That's akin to having your best friends wife telling you that she wants to sleep with you, but please don't tell her husband because it might ruin the friendship between you two. Really? Confusing me even more was Nanooky laying claim to the idol she found. Ya know, the show I watched had Brenda figuring out the clue and pointing out to Nanooky where to dig. Sort of the Al Gore I invented the internet thing. Just sayin'. Then to top it off Nanooky sees one legged Kelli and Alina heading out to the area where the idol was hidden. Talk about arrogance, she walks up to them and says, "What are you looking for?". My comeback would have been, "We were looking for your brain but haven't had any luck. How about you?" Douche Bag of the week. Back to Brenda now. Why the &^%$ would you figure out the clue then automatically tell someone else where to find it, no, no, no, you walk them to the spot and point to it, dig here? Hey sister, that idol ain't yours no more. And finally, telling other people that you have the hidden immunity always leads to problems. Doesn't anybody pay attention when they watch?
Line of week.
Hands down it goes to Jane who said maybe Dan should cook his shoe and they all could have "filet of sole." Loved it.
Challenge
Blindfolds for everyone. Tyrone and Brenda called out instructions to their blindfolded teams and the youngsters kicked butt. Evidently Jimmy T. put earplugs in because he wasn't doing anything Tyrone was asking. Back at elders camp Jimmy T. wants his chance to lead. Dude this is Survivor I didn't know you had to ask permission to lead, just do it.
Tribal Council
Dan got served up by Jeff and no one cares. Dan states that becuase of the mud he couldn't move well for the challenge. Jeff asks the obvious, "This is the rain forest isn't it?" Game, set and match for me, but no. The elders take out a loud mouth who irritates everybody, but works hard around camp and isn't afraid to step up. Here in lies the rub. Taking out Dan wouldn't have affected the tribe in the least as he doesn't contribute much at all. At least Jimmy T cares, or at least he did before you voted him out. Here in lies the rub #2, he would have been loyal just as Dan would have been, and a better overall player. Marty keeps talking about keeping the team strong, you just lost that battle.
Next Week.
The tribe drops their buffs and Marty has no clue what to do. Nanooky is also seen crying, probably went to wizard and he was out of brains.

Put me in coach................

First a quick response to a letter from a new reader.
To: Hayseed Boy
From: Varuka (Last Name withheld by request)
Marysville, Idaho

Dear Hayseed,
Your blog sure contains a lot of hanging participles. What are you going to do about it?

Dear Varuka,
First and foremost, loved you in Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Secondly, the envelope you sent the letter in contained a scent of fried eggs, bacon grease and maple syrup. I am going to guess night shift manager at a waffle house?
Third, I am really surprised to receive a letter from Idaho in September as I thought the entire state shut down for the potato harvest. Finally you didn't include your last name, I guess your subscription to Penthouse ran out. And oh yeah, my most loyal fans like it when I hang my participles around the blog.
Sincerely, Hayseed Boy.

Now back to regular programming. Put me in Coach.
The LaFlor tribe makes it way back from Tribal Council and everybody is all buddy-buddy with the exception of Nanooky who says "People are being faker than fur?" Can someone really be faker than fur? Over at the elders tribe we hear Marty say, "Where the monkeys are there is fruit." The opposite isn't true though as I have been in the fruit section of Kroger's many times and have yet to see a monkey. Marty is also still pissed that the celebrity is still in the game. Dude, we know. Then we see Jill talk Marty into showing the hidden immunity idol to everyone. Not one time in the history of Survivor has showing the idol to the group been a good thing, ever. In fact the hidden immunity idol almost becomes a bad omen when the person who finds it tells someone else. It only sets you up for a blind side. Back at the youngers camp we see Jud blowing on the fire while wearing goggles. Someone should have taped this, oh yeah they did. Then we see Jud in a private moment start to talk to the camera and then he looks down at his leg, "Oh man, a hermit crab just walked across my leg." Blonde moment. He might as well have said, "SQUIRREL." Nanooky calls him an air head and says "If you knock on his head it would sound hollow." We know. Back over at elders camp Marty shows everyone the idol and they applaud as he says the team could use it after the merge if needed. The target just grew on his back while Jill sits back and takes it in. We see Dan the man struggling as does everyone else in camp. Nanooky says she wants to vote out Alina to send a shock wave to Kelly B.
Bean Bags and Barrels Challenge
The teams have to move barrels into place and then land sandbags on top of the lids. Tyrone puts the elders out front but can't seem to get past the sixth barrel. Jimmy T is begging for Jimmy J to "Put me in Coach, you're wasting my talents." No he's not as your biggest talent is whining, you're doing fine with that. The youngsters win reward which includes a basket of fruit with a clue down below. Both Kelly B and Nanooky spot the clue and then wrestle for it back at camp. Nanooky wins the clue and walks away and says, "Go ahead and be the fool. I will push you so hard I hope your leg falls off." My question would be, which leg? Nanooky also says something about "Being Ghettoed," which someone will have to explain to me. Two things happen here that are quite funny. First, the dumbest player left has the clue in her hand and has absolutely no clue on how to figure out the clue. Her having the clue is like letting Stevie Wonder drive your car, he'll do great in the straightaways but its those damn turns that confuse him. We then see Nanooky hiding the clue in her pants. WTF, you don't think people back at camp who watched you wrestle Kelly B for the clue and talked about it, know you have it? And she calls Jud an air head. Tyrone makes the best comment of the night after having a disagreement with Jimmy T about throwing the beanbags. "Do we want to win or do we want everyone to touch the ball?" Great point dude. Marty looks at the camera and states "People who disagree with me aren't really playing the game." Yeah Marty they are, they are just using a different strategy. You'll realize this in a few weeks when you pick a fight with the wrong person, I am guessing maybe Tyrone. At tribal council Jimmy T says he wants more court time and Marty says he wants to accelerate the game. Jimmy J goes home and I must say in hind sight, I miss the guy already.
Next week we see Nanooky threatening to throw Kelly's leg in the fire and again I ask the question, "Which leg?"

Your alligator shoes are so gay.

$ 1,600.00 for a pair of alligator skin shoes, are you frickin' high or what? I did that math and that's $ 800.00 per foot. You know there is a reason why the military issues camaflouge wear instead of those bright orange vests that hunters wear, it's so our soldiers don't stick out to the enemy you dumbass. The only explanation I have of Dan bringing those shoes was so he could tell someone the cost. One point for ego there. Although you know what would be pretty neat if a real alligator found them and ate them, to quote the Alanis Morrisette song, "Isn't it ironic." I will give one reason why Holly threw the shoes in the water in the first place and then fessing up to it in front of everybody, is because she is a former beauty queen, nuff said. Oh yeah that and she didn't like people eating snails. No, no, no, don't spend another second trying to figure that one out either, just keep thinking to yourself, she's a beauty queen. Finally Tyrone says he is going to keep one eye on Holly and the other on his shoes. (That was funny I don't care who you are) Dan has no foregiveness for anybody who steals a pair of shoes. I will close this subject by saying, I don't know if I have spent $ 1,600.00 on shoes in my entire life.

Coaches Corner with Jimmy Johnson
At the elders camp we see Jimmy Johnson stepping up again and getting people active in getting the hut built while others go fishing. Jimmy T starts bitching again about Jimmy J stepping up. Hey Jimmy T. cool your jets. Your day is coming when you can regale everybody about your last second touchdown against Greaseback High at your high school's 1957 homecoming game. When people hear that story then Jimmy Johnson's two Super Bowl wins will pale in comparison I'm sure. I have to remember to send Jimmy T a crying towel next week. Over at the junior high camp we see Nanoka complaining that no one is talking to her. I am guessing it is her attitude, just sayin'. She then calls Kelly B. a charity case with her artificial leg, nice real nice. Oh yes folks that only ranks second place for comments this week. Nanoka then says she doesn't want anybody thinking she is a BITCH. Sorry lady there ain't no thinking about that one, that ship sailed last week and it ain't comin' back you are a Bitch.

The Challenge
I need help inserting a funny line below. Please send in your best response about the balls.
The teams had to find balls in a stack of hay and then paddle board the balls to a barrel. The elders use (everybody bow here)THE MEDALLION OF POWER which means the elders only have to handle three balls instead of four. (Insert comedy line there, wait for the studio audience laugh...and move on) Speaking of balls I attended a college with a guy who had the nickname "Andy one ball." Why did they call him that, take a guess. He had cancer and after the surgery his friends gave him this name. True Story. Just think if he and Kelly B. the one legged lady got together, great story don't you think. Anyhow I digress. The elders win immunity, some fishing line and a clue to the hidden immunity idol. The clues go so fast and we see Marty and Jill finding the idol. I am not sure at all what Dan was doing as he was digging the sand like a cat burying his turds. Then it dawned on me, Dan was thinking about his shoes.

Pre-Tribal Council
Nanoka doesn't like Kelly. Alina thinks the group needs to split up Brenda and Chase. Shannon keeps flip flopping on Nanoka or Brenda. Brenda thinks everybody is coming up to her to invite her to be in their group. Chase tells Brenda the others are coming after her. Alina and Kelly B are working on Brenda. And Lucy swears on the life of her children that she won't pull the football away from Charlie Brown this time as he kicks it. What a bitch that Lucy is.

Tribal Council
Best 1st tribal council for a tribe ever. Shannon goes after Chase like flies on crap. He thought Chase gave his word. For the life of me I can't believe people would actually lie on this show. Brenda speaks up that no one trusts Shannon. Shannon then has the line of the week and probably one of the dumbest in the history of Survivor when he asks Sasha "Are you Gay?" What are you six? What are you trying to accomplish by asking that question? Jud tries to get Shannon to back down to no avail. A little side note. Jud reminds me of Potsie Webber of Happy Days and a cross with Joey Tribiani of Friends. He was trying to throw his buddy Shannon a life perserver in the water and Shannon kept saying, "Throw me the anchor." I was on the fence of whether Brenda or Shannon should go but when Einstein fires his question to Sasha, my vote would have went directly to him. Dude couldn't stay out of his own way here. Shannon came into tribal council with a 50-50 split on the vote and a rather strong alliance that I could see. He put Chase on the ropes early with comments about flipping and should have stopped right there. One three word sentence sealed his fate. Let there be no doubt, this guy beat himself tonight and it centered around his ego.

Next week on Survivor
Jimmy Johnson starts talking to the monkeys. He's asking them if they're gay.

Medallions, goats and fake legs.

Let's jump right in. Jud is a blonde. Dude talked about the monkeys and then managed to get a piece of wood wedged in his foot and then cut himself with the machete all within about one minute of landing on the island. We have all seen this guy before. There is that guy who walks down the sidewalk wearing the t-shirt that says, "I'm with Stupid," with an arrow pointing to his left. Yeah, Jud is the guy walking to his left. Then we have Jimmy Johnson who starts telling us about his Super Bowl wins, that is exactly why I don't want him on the show. Eve says she can tell a lot about people by watching. Yes, yes she can tell who has hair, who is black and who is missing a leg.
THE MEDALLION OF POWER
Brenda climbs a tree to claim THE MEDALLION OF POWER for her tribe. One question here, I saw two people climbing the tree behind her. I am guessing their feeling was if Brenda falls to her death, they claim the prize, just sayin'. Suffice to say the producers did a great job here. I really like the rules involved in this tool. You get a huge advantage in a challenge, that is if you take the advantage. Right away the younger tribe chooses fire and fish over THE MEDALLION OF POWER, which I thought was the best choice. THE MEDALLION OF POWER was then passed to th elders.
We get to see Shannon from the younger tribe tell us how their tribe shouldn't lose to the elders for any reason. Any reason, even if they bring in another NFL Coach, Jesus, Mary and the frickin' donkey, any reason. Holly and Wendy are seen talking and Wendy tells Holly, "My husband tells me I talk a lot." Her husband was probably doing frickin' cart wheels when she got picked for Survivor so he could have some quality time with the goats for a few weeks. Jane starts a fire with a pair of glasses and some grass and is the hero for a day. Shannon tells Chase that he doesn't want a woman to win, real male bonding there. Kelly decides it is time to show everyone how she can remove her leg. I would have applauded too as I have never seen anybody take their own leg off, unless you count my G-I Joe that I had when I was six. Actually I took his leg off for him after his jeep had a firey crash in the basement up against the water heater. We tried to save his leg but to no avail.
As far as one legged Kelly, you won't get any sympathy from me, if she is good enough she will stay around. It is probably best that I don't tell people about my two glass eyes if I ever make it on the show.
NFL Super Bowl winning coach Jimmy (God I hate this) has a hard night sleeping and tells everyone. Chase is falling for Brenda who then calls him clueless when he walks away. I'll bet she is a lot of fun on a date. Kelly and Alina find a clue for the hidden immunity idol while looking for treemail. Actually Alina was there by herself when Kelly walked up. I'm thinking Alina is a little sneak.
The challenge involved water and puzzle pieces. The younger tribe takes the win partially because the elders don't use THE MADALLION OF POWER to their advantage. Jimmy T. (the other Jimmy who wasn't a coach)is mad and at camp makes this comment at camp, "I'm not going to not be heard." I'm not sure what that means. Then coach Jimmy tells everyone that the weakest should go meaning either him or Wendy. Tribal council was boring and Wendy goes home.
Next week we see someone putting sand in some dress shoes and throwing them in the water. Survivor also introduces two new tools to go along with THE MADALLION OF POWER, that being the Cupcake of Knowledge and the Banana of Retrospect.

What I did on my summer vacation.

Yes sports fans it has been almost a month since my last blog. Survivor will be returning soon so I thought it was time for some pre-season stretching.
So what have I been doing all summer? First of all, I decided it was time to turn fifty. Some people go back to school, some visit relatives and others fret about retirement. I actually sat down the other day and contemplated all the changes congress is enacting and figured out I could afford to retire on March 4, 2066. Yes folks all my bills will be at a zero balance and with what congress is now proposing I will have paid my fair share to house, feed, clothe educate and insure the 36 none english speaking, no job illegal aliens from Mexico, Afghanistan, Portugal, parts of North Dakota and Cuba that crossed the Ohio River and now occupy my sublet two bedroom condo with a view of the rendering plant. God Bless the USA.
Best advice given to me this summer by a six year old?My youngest nephew Aidan learned how to swim three weeks ago when the swimming instructor told him, "Don't try to breathe underwater anymore." And I thought the Farmer's Almanac had all the answers.
Dumbest thing that a Michigan football coach did this summer?Okay, okay, you all know I am a big Buckeye fan and for the life of me I will never understand why a school with such a great educational background decided to design their football helmet to look like a wing at a school whose mascot is a Wolverine? Um dude, I watch animal planet and Wolverines don't have wings duh? Anyhow, football coach Rich Rodriguez decided in his infinite West Virginia raised wisdom, (Oxymoron huh?) that those football players who don't show enough effort in practice this fall will not be allowed to have the wings applied to their helmets. Um dude part II, usually when a player isn't good enough to play, he just sits on the bench during the game and the fans can figure this out for themselves. BUT NO......you have to parade the ten or twenty players out in front of 110,000 fans so each and every person at the game as well as the millions who be watching on television will know they sucked at practice. Why not cut to the chase and just give them each a sign to hang around their necks that reads, "WE SUCK AT FOOTBALL". I am sure the alumni will love this. Rich Rod, why don't you go over to the toy table and pick up a toy and go sit in the corner and play quietly while the adults talk.
Does your eye sight get worse and things look smaller at 50? Yes, that is why I removed the mirror from the bathroom.
Is sex better at 50? No you should actually have your car parked at the time. Sex at 50 just scares the hell out of the other drivers on the freeway.

Mama's don't let your babies grow to be Survivors (or Cowboys)

My sister sent me an email telling me Jimmy Johnson was going to be on Survivor this fall. We will get to that soon enough.
Orginally this weeks off season Survivor Rant column was going to be about cliches that people often use to make a point. I wanted to use this forum to tweak the comments such as the old opera term, "It ain't over til' the fat lady sings" -And modify it to- "It ain't over til' the beer runs out or the cops make you put your pants back on and ask you to please leave the park." Another of my favorites, "It's always darkest just before the dawn" -which of course I would change to "It's always darkest just before you step off the curb and the bus hits you."
Quick Change here................
I do need to digress here for a second before I forget. I just took a post card mailer to the post office today for one of our clients and had to buy some Canadian stamps for three of the pieces that were going to Canada. Where would you think they were going? The clerk took the mailer and looking at the addresses which were properly labeled for Montreal, she asked me to write the word, "Canada," after the address. Being the good customer I am, I fulfilled her wishes and then asked her another question. "I have a seperate post card here addressed to Austin, Texas, should I write, North of Mexico beside the address?" "How about west of Florida?"
Let's think about what just happened here. The same person who just sold me three Canadian stamps actually had me write the word Canada after the address. As God as my witness when I send out my mom's birthday card next month, right after the address I am going to write the words, "My mom's house." I am guessing the post office should know exactly where to send it.
Anyhow back to the main topic, Survivor. Rumor has it that former NFL coach and current broadcaster Jimmy Johnson is on the next Survivor. To coin another over used cliche, "Say it ain't so Joe." I respect that he took the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl Title but now he is pitch man for financial planning and hocking a male enhancement pill. Let's be clear about a few things, I hate the Cowboys, I don't need enhancement pills nor financial advice and most importantly, I don't need to watch a celebrity on the best reality show in the history of television. How about we just start hand picking former stars who are looking for handouts anywhere. Please, please, please someone run over me with a bus. I have rallied against ever putting famous people on Survivor and this one "Takes the cake." (Nice spot for a cliche huh?) What next, the Sham-Wow Guy wearing one of his towels as buff at tribal council? How about Jared from Subway building sandwiches from coconuts, fish and seaweed? No even better, Al Gore showing us how to Go Green and build a really cool shelter that doesn't hurt the environment. Why stop there, get Punky Brewster, that kid who played Malcolm in the Middle and I-Carly and call it Survivor, "Where are they now." To the producers of Survivor, stop it and stop it now. You got what you wanted and have people talking about it but this game is for the average Joe and please keep it that way. I vow to run with scissors, walk under a ladder, shove a sharp stick in my eye and cross the path of a black cat before I watch even one minute of any type of type of future celebrity death match Survivor. Although, if the winner was the only person permitted to return to the United States................Might be a great way to thin the herd. Yeah, that's the ticket. Yes I will say it outloud, I hope Jimmy Johnson gets voted out first and we never see another celebrity on Survivor.

Next week we will discuss how to properly approach a former celebrity at a WalMart.

Andy

Big Brother and me.........................................

So about a week or so I got extremely board at home and decided I would watch the season premier of Big Brother. Actually the biggest reason I tuned is was The Newlywed Game was a repeat, I'd already watched the Godfather four times that weekend and I-Carly was pre-emtped with a Sponge Bob Square Pants marathon. Not that I don't like Sponge Bob, but I just wasn't in the mood.

13 guests arrive at a comfy home and introduce themselves to each other. Surprise, surprise as among them are a gay guy, a cowboy, a hardass, a girl with big boobs, a second girl with bigger boobs, some assorted christian foot soldiers, a doctor who works on people's feet, the professor and Mary Ann, here on Big Foot isle. 15 minutes into this show I thought to myself, "I wonder how Sponge Bob is doing?"

The first challenge involved a huge "Grill Looking," object complete with fake cooking coals and a rather large pretend hotdog. The players were split into two teams and they would have to jump on the pretend hotdog while teammates used a fishing pole type contraption to pull them across. The hotdog was hooked to a zip line and players had to ride across the fake grill while ketchup and mustard were being shot on the hotdog to make it slippery. Now if you aren't confused yet, you soon will be. The last person to cross the grill for the winning won HOH, which means Head of Household. Basically it meant you couldn't be voted out. Okay so logically speaking, why would anybody not want to go last? Oh yeah I forgot, the first person across for the winning team won $ 10,000 with decreasing amounts down to $ 1.00. Stupid. It was so stupid I can't remember who won nor want to.

The next "event" had everyone sitting around the big couch in the living when all of sudden there was a big bang, the lights went out and people starting screaming. OOOOHHHH it was scary indeed, total darkness. The only thing that would have made it more scary was if the lights were to come back on. OMG, the lights came back on and someone had placed a lock on the door to the room containing all their food, wow what intrigue. I was hoping that they would have placed covers on all the cameras and locked them shut. At this point a blank screen would have been more entertaining. Remember a few sentences back when I said the only thing more scary would be if the lights came back on? I was wrong, the only thing more scary was I looked up at the clock at this point and saw there were still 17 more minutes to watch. At that point I blacked out and can't remember what happened.

In review..............

If I were to give this show a 1 - 10 rating with 1 being bad and 10 being great, I would say a minus four and the only reason I give it that high a rating is because the chick with bigger boobs is a chemist, so she says. It came close but still has some work to replace my #1 dumbest show of alltime, that being the Anna Nicole Smith show of a few years back. God rest her former Playboy Playmate soul. It basically revolved around her drug use, keeping her hair blonde and not being able to understand a frickin' word she said.

I am going to write a book...................

A quick review before I move on with this weeks subject. Apparently Farmville has some connections with PETA because I received some very stern commments about my thoughts on farm animals and other assorted items on that very subject. I especially enjoyed the housewife/professional woman from Michigan who thinks I milk chickens and collect cow eggs. Although I admire her courage in writing I would have to say she wouldn't know the difference between a Johne Deere tractor and a Dear John letter if it came postage due.

So I was driving down the street here in Worthington, Ohio on Monday morning with my co-worker Chris. As we were sitting at a stoplight I noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me which read, "Knitters are knotty." At this point I mentioned to Chris that we needed to meet the two people in that car for obvious reasons, the first being they must be hell raisers and the second being they might know my mom. I know, I know you are asking yourself, "Why would they know my mom?" Well it stands to reason that people who knit or do thinks like that, usually know one another. Years ago my mom made an afghan for our couch so, as I said it stands to reason they might know one another. I sped up and attempted to pass them and wanted to ask them, "Hey, do you know a lady by the name of Betty from Gibsonburg, Ohio who made an orange, yellowish colored afghan for her green couch back in the 70's?" Unfortunately they turned right at the Library just as I was about to side-swipe an oncoming SUV.

Back to my point. Conversations like this need to be put into a book which I will title, "Conversations in a Car." Oh yeah and the other thing, maybe our little blog group should think about having a get together for all the people we know who knit and do things like that, we can call it "Afghan Fest."

Farmville and Facebook Followup

It has been about 24 hours since I last posted and the emails are flooding in about my Farmville comments.

Curtis Hanson from New York, New York writes:
"Dude take a chill pill about Farmville. This is all in good fun and by the way my corn crop is busting out."

Dear Curtis,
Ah dude, the chill pills you are referring to are the Viagra your doctor prescribed and just a note, I don't need any Viagra. Secondly, that corn crop that is busting out in your pants is from the blue pills. Go farm yourself.

Yours always, Rudy


Wynonna Smithson from Uclid, Alabama
"Um, hey, Farmville is lotsa fun. why you crankin' on it?"

Dear Wynonna,
There is only one Wynonna in the world that I would respond to with respect and she sings country songs with her mom Naomi. So get back with me when you and your mom get back from buying matching tube tops from Wal Mart and learn how to play the banjo.

Regretfully, Willie Nelson's cousin

P.S.
There is no such word as lotsa, I won't even comment on "Crankin'" and make sure you brush your tooth before you call me again.


By the way I am thinking of inventing a game called, "Humanville." You setup a make believe online person and pretend to do real life things like getting a job and making up friends.

Thanks

Facebook, Etch-a-Sketches and You

Admit it, you are board out of your skull because Survivor is on summer hiatus and you don't have my rants to read each week. The only thing you have to do is empty your cat's poop box, clip your toenails and wonder if Coach and Jerri ever hooked up. Oh yeah and before I forget, if anymore of you frickin' city folk livin', starbucks coffee drinkin', ipod usin' twittering fools who call yourselves my friends ever send me another invitation to either join your facebook page or play "Farmville," as God as my witness I will hunt you down and shove an non-imaginary garden rake up your butt. I'll even come back in three days to see if you have any little garden rakes growing out of other orifices of your body and whether or not they are ready to harvest. And speaking of Farmville, I don't have pretend to plant crap around an imaginary farm, drive a fake tractor and make sure the goat gets milked at 5:00 pm sharp. I grew up on a farm and did it live and in person. So before I get to my Facebook rant and since I don't text message poeple I put down an Etch-A-Sketch message for those of you who continue to invite me into your web world. And for those of you who are stupid, please don't attempt to pick up your computer screen and shake it over your head to erase it, this is permanent.



DOUCHE BAGS



Now to facebook. What middle management, wanna be, friendless, 30 something IT guy who can't get a date invented this? Yes earlier last week in between emptying the cat's poop box (which by the way doesn't belong to me) and clipping my toenails I decided to respond to one invitation to facebook. For the love of God I didn't know a third of the World's population would respond. Seriously though I think I got ten invitations from people who wanted me to "Be their friend." The funny part is the emails were from people who ARE MY FRIENDS with the exception of that one girl who I think I saw in a porno once or my sister Julie who by state law in Ohio has to be my friend. And to top this off I have to hit a button "Confirming that you are my friend." WTF is this? The invitations stop now, you have been warned.
NEXT WEEK
My ideas to CBS about incorporating Lawn Jarts and Hula Hoops into challenges and having somebody other than a trained monkey hiding the hidden immunity idols.
Toodles

Smasking dishes, four blind mice and a two time winner.

Disclaimer
*As a precationary note watching Survivor can cause upset stomach, nausea, and the wanting to punch a certain bearded guy in the face. If you experience an erection lasting over four hours after watching Survivor then consult your wife once she falls asleep go see your doctor.*
KUDOS
Yes I must first say I was wrong. I thought Sandra wasn't a good player but must giver kudos to the first two time winner.
Day 36
We start out by seeing Parvati saying Sandra playing the idol that night to get rid of Rupert was a good move. NO kidding? Really? Einstein would be proud there Parv. It was the last night that hidden idols could be played so why was this so brilliant? (Hey I have picked on Parvati all season, why stop now) Russell continues his wave of destroying anything in his path by complaining that Sandra should have told him she had the idol. What difference would that have made? She didn't vote for you and no one else did so why bring it up? He then accuses Parvati of the same thing. Parvati then makes one of the best comments of the year, "I don't like being called a liar." How about arrogant, conceited or poser, would any of those be better?The same girl who gives the wiping her eyes motion whenever someone else gets voted out is mad because people don't like her and call her a liar. Yeah, that's a tough one to swallow Parv. Jerri thinks they need to get rid of Parvati, while Colby just likes it that no one is talking about him. Russell says if Cobly wins then Parvati needs to go home.
Stacking Dishes
Nothing like destroying precious dishes from the house of Robert Lewis Stevenson to make Survivor a top ten show. How about setting his house on fire next year. It comes down to Colby and Parvati and once again Parv comes through. Her comment is, "This win was huge for me." Really Miss Obvious? I promise to tone down the Parvati, maybe when next year starts. Fore shadowing starts when Russell says, "Maybe taking Colby to the final instead of Sandra would cost me the game."
I am thinking at this point Russell could have taken Osama Bin Laden and that guy from Helter Skelter to the final and still lost, that is how much people hate him. At tribal council each player says almost the same thing in that you can't believe anything anybody is saying even about saying you can't believe anything they are saying right now which leads me to this simple question. Should the vote really count because that might not be the person they really wanted to vote out? Just sayin'. Colby is sent packing.
RIGHT OF PASSAGE
I have stated this over and over. I hate this part of the game where you take the final three or four and have them say good things about the people they just lied to, manipulated and laughed at. So instead of writing about what the final four said, we do a quick review on what each person said about themselves.
Sugar - You need to play this game with your head instead of your heart. Most people
know this without having to say it.
Stephanie - My reputation hurt me. Yup, meeting up with people with your skill level
can suck as you dind't have a answer for this.
Randy - I lack the ability to communicate with people. Shut up Randy.
Cirie - I wasn't given a chance. You were given the same chance to compete with a
person of your exact skill level, her name was Sandra and she won. Go cry.
Tom - I was cast aside. Yes Tom you were. You played different this time and you ht
the nail on the head with your comments last night, it was a different game.
Tyson - My own stupidity. Yup, a lot of times it ain't others people's strategy but
your own decisions that cost you. Don't over think this game.
James - I tried to be more friendly. Up until the point you played the challenges.
You have James-itis meaning you are who you are.
Rob - I can still do it. Yes you can but you did it too much.
Coach - I am the person people love to hate and hate to love. Not much to add
although I hope to have a beer with you someday.
Courtney - Not duds this time around. With the exception of you.
J.T. - Gave my idol to a guy who voted me out. Yup, same as letting your best friend
take your girlfriend to the prom. What did you expect?
Amanda - I should have kept the clue. Yup, you are the girl who went to the prom with
your boyfriends best friend.
Candice - I have learned a few lessons here. And they are?
Danielle - I have a heart. You also have lungs, a brain, a stomach etc. Shall I
continue?
Rupert - I feel good about myself. I am really glad her put the words "good about"
into that sentence or it changes the entire meaning.
Colby - I am ten years older than I was last time I played. Uh Colby, we are all ten
years older now, what't your point?
BLINDFOLDED MAZE
I loved this the first time they did this challenge back with Jenna Morasco won. Bumping into poles and one another. You must have your wits about yourself and I am quite sure I would struggle with this one. By inches Jerri loses immunity. At tribal council Jerri is sent packing.
FINAL DAY at camp.
The players say the following about themselves before final council.
Sandra - I didn't have the idols to fall back on, except at the end. I play this game to make money for my family.
Russell - I took two weak players to the end last time and it didn't work out. (Funny, how would he able to say this when he didn't know at the time of the filming of this game who had won before?)
Parvati - I have played 114 days and am one of the best players ever. I would have to say one of the luckiest.
Sandra burns Russells hat and we go to council.
TRIBAL COUNCIL
Final words of the players.
Sandra - I tried to get rid of Russell three times. I got here by myself. (This made perfect sense right when she said it as she knows people hate Russell.)
Russell - This isn't a game of luck. If I did something that you didn't like I apologize. People look at me like I did something wrong.
Parvati - I didn't realize I was a threat. I kept Russell as my pet. I have played all three aspects of this game.

Sandra wins. I think she won more for not arguing with people and keeping her mouth shut. She proved once again that you can lack in one area but still be able to move on.
Russell lost because as he demonstrated at the reunion, he can't keep his mouth shut.
Parvati lost because she aligned with Russell.
Great season and please give me your feedback.

Blow Holes......(Ha ha he said blow hole)

Yes, we are at that point of the game where each and every little thing is critisized by everyone. Russell getting in everyone's face, Rupert doing his night time version of "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm okay," and Jerri pulling her hair back so tight she looks like a red headed Japanese Irish woman about to smack the bar tender because happy hour is over. Okay, okay, I made up that last part.....................
Prediction
Before last night's show I wrote down, "Sandra plays her idol and Rupert goes home." Yes I actually wrote that down folks, I am God.
Opening Sequence
Rupert says, "My chances of winning just got better." Ooooohhh, cringe, snap, the words of death on Survivor.
Parvati makes a very inciteful comment that she must get rid of Colby and Rupert as if they make it to the end they will win so she has to keep Russell around. In game play I hate this girl because she mocks people, she makes of them when they lose and overall if the brakes went out of my car, well I'll stop there.
Russell says he just got rid of Parvati's main companion and he is exactly right.
Treemail / OOPS the Sprint Treemail Spot
I just adore these little product placements throughout the show. I just thought of a great idea, how about the "Etch-A-Sketch Hidden Immunity Idol Moment." They could put a clue on an Etch-A-Sketch and when someone found it they could read it and just right down another bogus clue. HUH? Great idea isn't it? Yeah, you wish you had thought of it. Anyhow, it is the loved one's visit and we get to see people hugging, kissing and playing with each other's hair and that was just Colby and his brother.
Again I'm not being sarcastic about these product placements ads, love em'. So we go to the Pail Relay race which confused just a little bit. Um, did anyone else notice that each person's pail appeared to be a different size? Just sayin'. Jerri's bucket looked like it could hold about two gallons and Colby's looked like a small coffee can. That be like having a basketball challenge and you get LeBron James and I get frickin' Pee Wee Herman, that's fair. Anyhow Colby kept whining to brother to catch the water and his brother kept laughing in his face. Dude, I know you want to win but for the love of God, shut up. Jerri wins and take Parvati and Sandra on the Blow Hole Trip. Yes folks, I said Blow Hole and it was exactly that a place where people go to throw coconuts into a hole and watch the water shoot them high into the air. Remind of the time we made a Polish Cannon out of four aluminum cans and then shot tennis balls out of it, yeah, great times. Anyhow we find out that Sandra's uncle raised her after her mother died, (Hopefully this isn't another Johnny Fairplay moment) and she is very grateful for him. Jerri is fearful that Russell is mad because she didn't pick him to go and she is right. The point at this portion of the game is to keep your head about yourself as you are extremely tired and grouchy. Not this group, everyone is pissed about something. This bring me to my point of the week, everybody is talking about Russell but nobody does anything, until tiny little Sandra decides to trade blows with him. "Are you against me or for me?" Russell asks Sandra and she says, "Against you." We all know she did this because she knows she has the idol and also has the numbers. I hate to say it but she is the favorite to win now, even though I don't think she has done much other that stay out of harms way. Parvati then starts mocking Russell. Even I hate it when two people I don't care for mock one another.
Immunity
People then have to balance poles on the back of their wrists and it comes down to Parvati and Ruperts. I figure whomever loses this is out. Parvati wins. Tribal council is filled with a lot of issues to say the least, Sandra plays the idol and Rupert goes home. He plays the part of the poor guy when he says his final words. Sorry Rupert, liked you but you got outplayed, AGAIN.
So here we are at final five and here are my thoughts.
JERRI - She is more worried about pissing off Russell than winning the game. She has
no plan on how to win but might just fall into a win. She has the
weakest arguement to win against anybody. However she might convince
the jury with a great arguement if she can get to the final against
Russell and Parvati because they might cancel each other out.
COLBY - He is still pissed at his brother for not winning the reward challenge. He
has no end game strategy but nobody dislikes him so
no one wants him in the final.
RUSSELL - He plays very hard, runs over people like a bulldozer but pissed too many
people off. Everybody wants to go
against him in the final. The only
vote he might get is JT in the final.
PARVATI - She plays hard, listens, but again doesn't make friends very well. Colby
and Jerri would probably beat her if they take her to the final. As we found
out last time when Natalie beat Russell, people might vote more for
Parvati not to win, then Colby or Jerri to win.
SANDRA - She has many friends on the jury and more importantly hasn't really pissed
off anybody. Don't take her to the
finals with you at all costs.
Actually at looking at these people, I hate to
say it but a Russell, Parvati, Sandra
final would spark fireworks at the
final council.

Those who don't study history are bound to repeat it.

You usually see this type of car wreck during a stock car race. What the hell does Russell think he is accomplishing by simply running roughshod over everybody in his wake? More on this later.

Night 30 sees Jerri commenting that "they don't need Candice anymore." DAH. REALLY? YA THINK? NO. COME ON NOW. Candice made one of the dumbest moves last week by voting with the villains, no reason, no logic, no nothing. I can see why she did it though, it is hard to get quality air to you lungs when you have you head up your butt so far. Colby then jumps on and says, "Candice is weak." When players start saying this about you its time to pack up and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. Russell makes a great comment, "Rupert you're such a dumbass get your tie dye ready, you're going next."

Immunity
Barefoot Perch complete with paint bath.
Jeff tempts people with food right from the start to get them to drop their arms and Sandra and Russell take the bait. For those viewing at home this should have sent a message that these two were so confident they weren't going home that a red flag should be flying especially since these two don't like another. Of course my six year old nephew Aidan said it was a good choice since they did get cookies and milk for dropping out. Colby is next when he opts for donuts and coffee. Candice and Danielle want to go after Rupert but soon drop out with Jerri to share sandwiches and chips. It is down to Rupert and Parvati and soon Ruperts big broken toe gives out leaving Parvati with immunity. Why in the world this late in the game would people pick comfort over winning? After the challenge the group then gets another clue for the hidden idol. Someplace where there is a fork in the road and the sun hits you eye like a big pizza pie. Sandra finds it and does something that no one has done for a long, long time, she doesn't tell anyone she found an idol. Let's take a moment and give Sandra a round of polite golf applause........................................................
Russell and Colby are conspiring to split the vote at tribal council and the scrambling starts in earnest. Rupert says Candice jumped to the villains too soon. Colby calls Candice out. Russell thinks her move was great, but then again Russell loves it when when those large balloons blow up during holiday parades and scare the crap out of kids. Candice is out by a 5-3 vote.

Hidden Idols and some Advice
I want to take a moment and add my two cents on the hidden immunity idol. First, why do people continue to run and tell everyone they found an idol. That tool is the most valuable tool you can have in this game, keep it a secret. Seconndly and more importantly why don't people who find the idol continue looking for it to throw people off. If I found the idol that everyone knows the clue to, I woould keep looking so they don't think I have it. Just a thought there to keep in mind should anyone ever get chosen.

Russell thinks it was stupid that the group voted out Candice but then again he thinks everything is stupid that he didn't think of like, ipods, texting, wave runners and of course silly putty and etch-a-sketches. The next challenge was a peg puzzle, followed by a peg climb and then to a slide puzzle. The only thing I knew for sure when I saw this challenge was Sandra wasn't going to win. She might get through the peg puzzle but she ain't getting up that peg wall which she didn't. Russell wins this immunity and his wave of destruction continues. Russell talks to Danielle and she says she trusts him. He then goes to Parvati and tells her that Danielle wants her gone. He drives a wedge between the last two strong villains allies which in retrospect seems like a good idea, but not so much when the goal is winning the million. Once again he wins the battle but is losing the war. During the council session Danielle breaksdown with all of Russell's accusations. Haven't we seen this over and over and over. When will people start paying attention. Danielle goes home by a 4-3 vote vs Rupert. Rupert survived six votes in two councils.
Wow, six are left and who is next.

Robert Lewis Stevenson meets Jerry Springer

An on yeah to start this.
Have somebody other than a six year old hide the idols please. They are too easy to find.

Okay folks, by a show of hands. How many of you have ever spent the night in a historical building and started a fight over popcorn? I can't count the times this has happened to me and last night on Jerry Springer we got to see it again. Good thing my mom wasn't there or they wouldn't have gotten to finish watching the movie.
"If I have to come up there... as God as my witness I will beat you within an inch of your life with this Treasure Island Book. Now grow up."
So last night on The Jerry Springer show, oops, I mean Survivor we first see Russell confronting Parvati about having two idols and didn't like that she didn't tell him she had the second one. Hey douche bag Bob, she would have only had one had you not given her the second one. She then says that word that just makes me crawl, "Whatever." I just wanted to take a boat oar and smash it over her face and then say, "Whatever." Rupert is working on Sandra telling her she is the now the power person. I must say in my egotisitical way I saw this one coming but..........
I never saw Candice flipping.
Shuffle Board
When I retire and go to a retirement home you can stop by and watch me kick some real butt in shuffleboard. Afterall what do retired people do other than, bingo, go gambling and shuffleboard. I actually think they make you sign a contract to this effect. Somebody give me the odds here but Parvati is already thinking ahead of the game that a clue will most likely be made available for the team of three that wins this challenge. She thinks that either she, Danielle or Russell needs to find the next clue so randomly chosen again, the three of them of course are split up one on each team. Remember back when Parvati just happened to sit in the chair with the idol clue in her napkin. So of course her closests allie (Fake boobs) Danielle gets to go on the reward challenge when Colby wins on his final shuffle. What unfolded at the house of Robert Lewis Stevenson was straight out of a Jerry Lewis movie. We see them arrive and a lady comes out and explains who this guy was.....................zzzzzzzzzzzzzz all the while Amanda starts thinking about where the clue might be. The only thing that topped that was Colby. Dude is lying in bed with two bikini clad women being oblivious to both the hidden clue or of course the two bikini clad women in bed with him. My GOD I have to rent Treasure Island because if he can be that cued into the movie, it must be really good. So then we get to see Danielle's attempt at finding and hiding the clue and then Amanda doing here WWF routine to steal the clue. The two of them starting wrestling all the while what is Colby doing, still watching the frickin' movie. I said this before but Amanda is way too soft to ever win this game and she caves. There are rules for someone who finds the idol and that no one can steal it, there are no rules for clues girl, keep it. Then back at camp Danielle does what all people are doing this season and that is giving away her advantage. She tells her tribemates this story about how she found the idol in the popcorn, fought wild monkeys at knife point, wrestled alligators and beat Amanda to the punch. Yeah we know, then you go out and let Russell find the idol while you are sitting not five feet from him. Yeah, we know. Of course Russell does what everybody else is doing and runs over and tells Candice that he has the idol and is telling her this to earn her trust. Yeah, we know. Can we go back to the old days when people tried to keep finding the idol a secret.
Sandra thinks this is the perfect time to get rid of Russell and she is correct. Colby thinks Danielle has the idol and he is incorrect. Sandra than tells Russell things and he tells her things.
House of Tiles
I loved this challenge the first time around and love it again. Build a tower ten feet tall while Jeff stands around and says, "Don't panic." Shut the hell up Jeff.
As I am watching this I am thinking, the worst thing for the villains would be if Russell won this challenge. There is no way he would give Parvati an idol again and she would be vulnerable. Jerri then wins her first individual immunity ever.
PRE VOTE
We then see people twisting and going back and forth and Candice being the main focus. I am thinking, girl you have to go with the heroes. The heroes talk and Candice goes and tells Russell their decision. Sandra confronts Candice about this.
At tribal council Russell makes yet another mistake. He tells the group that he plays the game aggressively like Danielle and that Parvati and Jerri are more finess and then leaves Sandra hanging by saying, "She is just here." Amanda goes home and the chaos continues.
Next Week
We see Parvati telling her troup not to listen to anything that Russell says. Divorce is so painful.

Review
So where do they sit.
Parvati, Danielle and Jerri are a group.... I think they are but they can't advance as a threesome. Jerri does her Survivor owe life to Parvati though from last week.
Colby, Rupert and Sandra are together about as strong as the aforementioned.
Russell and Candice are a pair. A pair of what I don't know.
Parvati and Russell are done, they can't work together. She lied to him, he lied to her, they each took a bat to the others car and their egos will get in the way.
Sandra hates Russell (well she basically hates everyone) so he won't have an allie there.
Candice is playing the game like her hair is on fire and just burnt her bridge with Colby, Rupert and Sandra.
Danielle can't tie her shoes without her boobs getting in the way and like a horse walking back into a burning building she will jump off the cliff right behind Parvati because she is aggressive but not real bright. How can you be five feet from someone else and not see them find the idol.
Wow, I am confused.

Regifting an idol.

One of the best episodes ever.
Here is your brain on Survivor, here is your brain while playing Survivor and finding the hidden immunity idol. I think there is a direct correlation between finding the hidden immunity idol and being stupid. Correct me if I'm wrong here and please forward your cards and letters as well, but isn't one of the main points of finding the hidden immunity idol to help the person finding the idol win the game? There must be some directions written on the bottom that we don't see that state, you must do something stupid with this idol. Last week we see J.T. find the idol and then draft his letter of secrecy to Russell to use it if needed. Then at one point of this weeks show we see J.T. saying people are probably going to vote him off. You know what would come in handy in a situation like this J.T.? I may be way off base here but having an immunity idol might save your but you *&^%$ bag. For a former winner you sure are a dumbass. Anyhow.............................
We start this week with re-run of Russell saying "I am in control of this game." Yes we know you are Russell, we know you are.............................................
Heroes Camp.
The heroes find a trunk that is locked a note that says don't open yet or something to that effect. I am going out on a limb here but I am thinking there is something of value inside. Just a guess.
Villains
The villains treemail has a key included and a map to the heroes camp. One of the villains asks, "I wonder what the keys goes to?" Just a guess here and going further out on my limb but I am guessing the key is to a lock. Just sayin'.
The villains start weaving a web of lies when they realize Parvati is still in the game (Yes she is I saw her last night) and they need a lie to tell the heroes. When the tribes merge Russell tells JT and Rupert that the idols were played and Courtney was blindsided. The one problem with telling a lie like this is say, oh someone like Sandra comes along and tells a different story. Rupert is on to this game and tells everyone within ear shot to not trust Russell. Parvati then makes two comments the first being Russell and I are the King and Queen of this game. By the way she didn't clarify who was who, just sayin' again. Then the quote of the week, Parvati cries that she is offended that the heroes are treating her this way with no respect. When the commercial came on I hit rewind on my Tivo and then realized once again that I don't have a frickin' Tivo so I couldn't replay it, but that is what she said I am sure. Um Parv dear, it could be that you don't play well with others and more importantly you laugh when people are voted out. Just sayin'. Amanda then pipes in that her side doesn't want to lose their lead. Um, Amanda there are five people left on both sides, just reminding you.
So the challenge was a Courtney special, oops she left last week didn't she. She would have been a shoe in for this because it involved doing what Courtney does best which is nothing. Climb a pole and hold on. Before the challenge started I said the last three would be girls simply because their feet are smaller and could hold onto the pole longer. Danielle won with Parvati stepping off for second and Candance being third. Parvati made her first mistake of the night as people figured out pretty quickly she has an idol because she gave up. Anyhow Amanda attempted to make a bold move by telling Parvati that the heroes were voting for her. Amanda is a bad liar and should have moved on quickly but kept talking. But.......................
The heroes decide to go after Jerri and the villains go after JT. As the vote unfolded we see the villains won the battle, when Jerri was saved by the re-gifted idol, but on the other hand they just lost the war. Parvati does what most people are doing these days on Survivor and that being giving away her two idols to Jerri and Sandra. Oh yeah one of these idols was given to her from Russell which apparently didn't fit and instead of returning it to the Survivor store for food or shelter she gave it away right in front of Russell. In the ten seconds it took Parvati to give away the most valuable things you can hold onto in this game, she did several things that will add to her and her tribes demise.
1. ) It exposed Russell as a liar. Thanks Parvati, he gave you two idols to save your
butt and not only did you give away the second one you never told him you had
found another one. Then when you played both of them you just
cost him his credibility. The point being if you are going to screw somebody in
this game, don't do it to a friend ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE STILL IN THE GAME.
2.) People don't like you and now they know you are a sneak and not trustworthy.
3.) Finally and more to the point. Just last week you laughed at JT for giving away
an idol and this week you give away not one but two. You just gave away your
power sticks to people who you think are in your alliance. And then you wonder
why people don't like you. It looked like a stroke of genius for about two
seconds until you think about the fallout to come.
Next week we see Sandra going after Russell, should be great.